Monday, November 30, 2009

Husband - on marriage – the off-limits list

I have been married to the same wonderful woman for 13 years now and recently a friend and I were discussing how marriage is hard work but very worth it.

We discussed a few of the things that him and I think helped get us through the hard times. The first was trust and the second was communication which I think I will save for different posts so for this one, I would like to take a look at number 3 on our list.

The off-limits list

When my wife and I were first starting out we decided to make a list of common marriage problems that we refused to let into our relationship. The list was quickly populated with things like cheating, leaving the house in anger, name calling, going to bed angry, throwing rings at each other or saying “I want a divorce” without being prepared to sign the papers. We did this at the beginning of our marriage but I think it could be started at any time.

I believe that list to have been a very important foundation for what we were building. Marriage is a very risky venture. On one hand, there isn’t anyone as close to you as your spouse but on the other, there isn’t another person who knows your past, your fears and your pressure points so well.

While we grew together, the list grew and changed. In a very short amount of time, the list went from a prenuptial contract to include a list of topics which were off limits for use later. That allowed us a great deal more freedom since we could share the most private thoughts we had with no fear of being hurt with it later.

For example, sometimes you might want to say that your family is full of a bunch of nuts but you wouldn’t want to hear that called up in the middle of a fight. There were times during the heat of battle where we would forget and say something from the list. The other only had to say “that one is off limits” and we would back off of it to explain what we really meant.

As time passed, some of the off limit topics quietly fell off the list. As we built trust that the other would never purposefully use something from the list to hurt us, we were able to take what they said at face value. We realized that “our family” now meant the folks living in our house and “extended family” now grouped together all relatives on both sides for example.

We also realized that both sides are full of a bunch of nuts :-). (sorry gang)

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Dad - on protecting our children

If you haven’t guessed yet, I love music. A lot of the things I can’t get straight in my head seem to be spoken almost straight to me through music. While my kid and I were coming home from playing at a water park yesterday, this song came up on my mp3 player.

Paul Simon – Father and Daughter -


The lyric in particular that got me thinking were as follows:
And though I can't guarantee
There's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I’m gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head


As fathers, I think protection of our children is usually on the tip of our brains. I think this is because we know the truth. No matter how tough you are, the simple (and terrifying) truth is that we can’t always keep bad things from happening. So how do you prepare your kids for handling problems while not frightening them?

I believe that children need to be prepared for the fact that life isn’t always fair, bad things happen, good people get hurt sometimes and people we love can be mean to us. That being said, I think it is equally important that they know they will be able to handle any of those bad things and if they can’t we will take over and fight until they tell us to stop.

I remember my daughter asking a very serious question when she was younger. You could tell even at her early age that the matter had been weighing on her mind. She waited for a quiet hush in the car and jumped in with “Dad, What would happen if I was in school and a boy was hitting me?”

I suppressed the urge to tell her I would kick his butt and instead told her that no one has the right to hit her, she would tell him to stop and if he didn’t she would get away from him quickly and tell someone she trusts like the teacher. She asked “what if he won’t let me tell the teacher” and I resisted another urge regarding my hospitalizing this imaginary boy. I replied that we do everything we can without violence but if she couldn’t get away from him she would kick him in the ‘boy parts’ and run to the teacher. (she giggled, already relaxing)

Then came “what if the teacher didn’t do anything?”. At this point, this boy’s life was in serious jeopardy.. I told her that Dad will have already been involved since day one but if the teacher didn’t help then I would step in and it would definitely stop. (no sense describing what I would do to this poor boy).

I know my daughter was happy that big strong dad would jump in at a moments notice but I can tell now that what made a more long-term impact was telling her what SHE could do to solve the problem.

To me, that really grabs the meaning of those lyrics listed above and the long-term benefits are what we are really after. When she is an adult, I want her to be free to solve her own problems with the trust that I am standing guard and ready to unlease hell on whatever causes her pain.


I love you honey..
I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Man - on feeling like a grownup

I might be a multiple personality (just kidding mom). On one hand, I feel powerful and the master of my domain but sometimes, usually when other people are involved, I feel like a kid in a room full of grownups.

We have a close friend of the family that I really look up to who seems to have it all together. His family is a “sink” as my other friend says --- single income numerous kids :-). He has a wonderful house, job and is very much like I am in personality. I had my mind blown completely when I found out that out of the 4 of us, in the 2 couples, I am the oldest. Honestly even still, I feel like I am a goofy kid and he is a really cool adult.

I don’t know why my self image is so skewed but I am beginning to wonder if it is because at the age of 19, I began working alongside 50 year olds as my peers. I am used to being the ‘crazy kid’ in the bunch. If I am wrong and all it takes is a catastrophic event I would think that my medical stuff would qualify so I don’t know when that feeling would be kicking in.

Speaking of being hired into my career at that age – I have always joked that my life is on the accelerated plan. Perhaps this is my early mid-life crisis.

I wish I could ask the people I know when they began to feel like a grown up. Was it an epiphany or just something you realized one day?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Family - family fun for free blog

I have had so much fun writing this blog so far, I thought I would begin another.

Good Clean Educational Fun will contain the information that I posted here about geocaching for a start. Then I am going to start adding all those little science experiments me and my daughter do. Potato clocks, making butter, capillary action and all those other nerd moments I have shared with her will now be unleashed upon the world :-).

Time to start building the other site along with this one.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Man - on being thankful

I had the nicest thanksgiving in a long time yesterday. My wife was actually off work and after a bit of schedule manipulation, we were able to go to my Grandmother’s house for lunch.
It’s been some time since I was able to see my Grandmother and even longer that I haven’t had somewhere I had to rush off to afterwards. With me being able to truly relax, I was really able to sit back and enjoy the company of my family.

Since I had an old-fashioned Thanksgiving get together, I thought I would continue on that note and make my old-fashioned list of things I am thankful for.

Bobby’s thanksgiving list:
1. My wife – For over 13 years, we have been through her 2 broken arms, more kidney stones than I ever wanted, medical problems, loss of loved ones and lots of growing up.
2. My child – I truly understand how lucky I am to have a happy and healthy kid.
3. My extended family – No matter how long I am pulled away from them, when the laughter starts rolling, it is like we haven’t been apart.
4. My friends – those that are there for me and let me learn how to be there for them
5. My job – I always knew I would ‘do something with computers’ but now I know how many horrible jobs happen to deal with them these days. I am thrilled with where I work and am proud of the job I do there.
6. Patience and trust – both given and received
7. Our protectors in the military and also their families
8. My shoulder-angels – The little Bobby in the devil suit helps me remember how fun life is but hallowed Bobby on my other shoulder reminds me to keep that fun clean.

To everyone I hold dear: Thank you for everything you do. I wish you peace, love, tears of joy and the kindness of strangers.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Family - on the stray dog - revisited

Happy Thanksgiving!

I may have something to be thankful for in regards to our stray dog. Only one day after my previous post talking about how quickly my kid attached herself to this dog, I got a hit on a possible home for him.

We will know by Monday if they want the dog and I already talked to my kid about it. She asked if we could give him the presents we bought for him (chew toys) before he goes but understood that he would be happier with more room.

I will absolutely update you guys if I can get rid of the dog. Honestly though, you might be able to HEAR me scream woo hoo :-).

Have a blessed holiday

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Man - on being a friend indeed

Wow. I just hit the first real speed bump on my way towards becoming a man. All of the other 'problems' I have faced seem to pale in comparison to what a buddy is going trough right now.


I just visited a person in the hospital that I call my 50 year old brother. He is a private person and I will respect that but suffice it to say, he is fighting a very serious illness with even more serious medications.

With having a wife that is a nurse, I have gotten used to relying on her during times of medical crisis. She immediately takes the lead in providing comfort and is exceptionally gifted at doing so. This person though is one that she has never met and on top of that, she worked today so the responsibility of helping my friend had to be mine.

As much as I desperately wanted to be involved, I was dragging my feet for the fear that I would say the wrong thing and make him and his family burst into tears. It took a bit of courage on my part but today, I FORCED my compassion to win over my fear.

Any fear I had melted immediately when I walked into the room. In seeing me arrive, my friend let out a sigh of relief and invited me in. We talked for a couple of hours during which time I just flat out told him that I was counting on him to tell me when to get closer, shut up or get out of the way. Once I got that off my chest, I was 100% free to enjoy my time with one of my closest friends.

I learned today that my buddy didn’t suddenly turn into a “sick person” when he was admitted to the hospital. He was still just my friend who happened to be going through the hardest thing he ever has.

I didn’t have to worry about “how to be” because it just seemed to come so naturally. At times, he wanted me to be just like I am every time we get together, other times he wanted to talk about his fears. Sometimes he needed a listener and sometimes he needed me to do all the talking. The most important thing I think he needed me to be was there.

It was absolutely priceless to spend this time with him and I will be doing it again very soon. God, please be with my friend when I can’t be and keep him company until I visit him again. It won’t be long.

---
WXUFYGHDZBE2

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Family - on “not jack” the dog

Man, dad and husband - not jack the dog
Three months ago, my daughter performed a mission of mercy. We noticed a dog walking around the block and I was immediately pelted with pleas from my kid to ‘save him’. After just a little coaxing, we got this dog into our back yard with our two dogs which I thought was going to be our biggest problem. I suppose this would fall under the category of things you hear other dads talk about and don’t understand until it happens to you.

I made my daughter stay inside while I was getting my camera for some lost dog photos and the entire time, her nose was pressed against the glass watching him. Smiling and quietly congratulating myself on creating such a wonderful teaching situation, I returned to the door to be informed by my kid that the other dogs are being nice to “jack”.

I was stunned for just a moment until I realized who she must be talking about. At that point, my confusion turned to fear and I unconsciously switched into damage control mode. My very firm reminder that we would under no circumstances be keeping this dog seemed to fall on deaf ears as my kid giggled about him playing with our dogs.

The very next time she mentioned something about Jack, I explained very calmly that we would not be naming him since we wouldn’t be keeping him. She inquired quite logically what we would call him while he was here to which I replied “not jack”.

Fast forward 3 months, 43 craigslist posts and approximately 25 posters later to now. Not Jack somehow was given a tag with just plain Jack and I now have 3 dogs too many.

I can’t believe the power of subtlety and how quickly it all happened. Oh well, at least he looks happy.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Man - on "dad's night out"

I promised to write more about my “dad’s night out” and here it is.

It has been quite a while since I tried hanging out with the guys and the last time, all of the suggestions would have required me to have a large stack of dollar bills. I have never understood going to those bars. To me it seems like shopping at an electronics store with no money in my pocket. Frustrates the crud out of me and I can get that frustrated for free.

I was relieved when we set the first dad’s night at Buffalo Wild Wings. I had never been there before and the food was great. Four of us got together initially with one joining later and it was just plain comfortable from the start. It was really quite cool being with the guys that went. I think we all are past the age where we have to put on the guy face and the range of topics really surprised me.

Don’t get me wrong, we did talk about usual guy things but also up for discussion were things like viewpoints on parenting, how we felt when our wives were pregnant and what it was like when we got the “honey its time” call.

My wife and I have been really blessed with the group of parents we have met since our kid started school and these guys were definite examples of that. I suggested we do bi-weekly which I am really hoping we pick up after the holidays because I had the best time I have had in a while.

Wonderful time that I hope repeats soon…

Family - on geocaching - Fun for the whole family

My kid is in religion education classes right now. After one of her last classes, the teacher told me that she wanted to talk to me which immediately scared the crap out of me. It is bad enough when a regular teacher tells you that but a religion teacher opens up a whole new level of “what the heck did my kid say”.

Turns out, they were asking the kids what their favorite summer activity was and mine said geocaching. They just wanted to know what it was. (phwew!) I'm surprised it wasn't father and daughter activities like fishing or skating.

see my links at the bottom for some of our adventures.

Geocahing (pronounced geo cashing) is basically a treasure hunt for nerds using a GPS and a website full of coordinates. People all over the world hide small containers stuffed with a log file and little toys or coins. Then they post the GPS coordinates on this website geocaching.

People like us go there and look for caches (cashes) near us. Put the coordinates in and start hiking.

The general rules are:
• Sign the log book
• Take a small toy and leave a small toy
• Sign up online that you found it
• Don’t let “muggles” (non geocachers) see you when you find it.

So it’s free fun, they get a toy, they get to be sneaky and they know a secret that not many others know. My kid LOVES knowing that we have one we can see from the house and people are walking past it all day without knowing.

Once you get good at finding them, hide one. You and your kid can read all the log entries from people who found what they hid. And for even another level of fun, you can order “travel bugs”.

Those are dogtags you attach to a toy. When someone finds a tag, they enter it’s code online and move it to another cache. In this way, your kid’s toy can go all over the world and they can watch it online. We had one that went to Hawaii and back twice and both coasts of the US. It was a lovely way to teach geography too.

Here is a link to one of my travel bugs and a photo gallery of where all he has been in his 8,000+ miles of travel. Then there is the cache cow that we hid. 124 finds and this is the oldest cache in grason county.

Mama isn’t horribly keen on this since last time she went she got covered in poison ivy but apart from that, we have all had so many good times, I thought I would share.

Dad - on parenting - random thought

It seems like parenting is a constant readjustment of the steering to keep you going in the right direction doesn’t it?

You spend the first year trying to get them to talk and then the rest trying to teach them how\when to be quiet. You ask for only the truth but cringe when they tell your in-laws that sometimes daddy lets the phone go to voicemail when they call.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Man - on being a strong man

Have you ever heard the song ‘the impression that I get’ by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones?


Some of the lyrics are:
Never had to
Knock on wood
But I know someone who has
It makes me wonder if I could
...
I’m not a coward I’ve just never been tested.
I like to think that if I was I would pass.
Look at the tested and think ‘there but for the grace go I’
Might be a coward
I’m afraid of what I might find out


During all my medical problems (more on that some other day) I kept having the same dream all the time. In advance, I know how silly this dream is. Look for the meaning.

There is a light in the distance and I call my family out to see it. It gets bigger and starts shifting. The entire time we stare, I keep remarking how beautiful it is. A small amount of time passes and I begin to get filled with worry but still don’t move. By the time I realize that the lights are all spaceships coming to wipe us out, it is too late to do anything for my family.

It is odd the things that worry guys. I know that my dream was about my leading my family into disaster which was what I equated my medical stuff to but big-picture wise, it is about the fear a lot of family guys have – Will I be able to protect my family if the need arises?

We go through a lot of effort to keep from looking foolish and even more to keep from looking weak but the truth is strength just does not equal success.

More lyrics:
Have you ever felt a pain so powerful
So heavy you collapse?


I can actually answer yes to that. I used to feel so ashamed that I let the pain beat me down so far but now I wear my survival like a badge of honor.

My medical problems and the associated changes on my life pushed me to the edge of breaking (and a bit beyond if I’m honest) but I am slowly beginning to understand that just for making it through that situation, I can consider myself strong. The fact that I made it through with out loosing my marriage, house or job means that I beat the pain.

I wonder how many more things in my life that get me down just require a different way of looking at things . . .

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Dad - on the difference between fault and intentions

So I watch a bunch of judge shows and have noticed a trend. Especially since I see this same problem with ‘kids these days’, I have put it on my list of things I want to teach my kid.

It seems to me that people have coupled fault with intensions. People who are listed as ‘at fault’ for an accident respond with ‘but I didn’t mean to hit them. It was an accident’. Hopefully I can explain to my child that an accident usually has one or more people at fault but that doesn’t cast any light on the character of those involved or imply that the act was done maliciously.

With some kids on the playground the situation seems similar. One kid gets hit by someone trying to do a flip and the flipper looks for any reason at all not to apologize. He shouldn’t have been standing there – I didn’t do it on purpose – he hit me last week. .

I think we are all still so cautious of "getting in trouble" whether by the principal or monitarily for us adults.

My kid HATES to make mistakes and one thing we are working on is that mistakes stink but you might as well expect them, accept them and move on. I think the ‘fault’ dilemma relates to this.

One of my favorite movies is Elizabethtown. After a HUGE mistake in that movie, there is a line I love: "You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Discard it. And proceed."

Dad - on yet another sickness

Well, my daughter's fever is down to reasonable levels. Motrin is a WONDER drug for kids. This morning, the doc said she thinks it is just a virus since she tested negative for strep, flu a and all the other baddies.

I have a long day planned of coloring, movies, soup and playing barbies. Is it wrong that lately this sounds like my ideal way of spending a day off?

Husband - on wives working outside the home - random thoughts at 5am

Well here we go.. Can open, worms everywhere.. A subject close to my heart made more heart-breaking this morning (it is 5am now) when my kid spiked a 102.4 temp.

My wife works outside the home as a nurse taking care of extremely sick babies in a neonatal ICU. This is a job we both feel she was born to do and a very important one at that. Somehow though that doesn’t make things any easier when her kid is sick.

We share parenting 100% and have even worked our schedules to allow my daughter to be with one of us at all times. Usually when the kid gets sick, she will pick one of us to cling to and today that happens to be mama. The only problem is that the nifty schedule I mentioned requires that my wife works weekends which today is.

It really rips at my wife’s heart to feel torn between working one of her 2.5 days per week and being with her child. So far, mama is up and getting ready for work but I figure if my daughter asks to be held one more time that my wife will be at home today.

I know there are die hard feminists out there who say that a woman really can have it all and there are die hard homemakers who will use this as an example of why working mothers are evil. But as with everything, the true answer lies somewhere between the two extremes. Steph had a stay at home mom and I had a working one and we are both equally scarred :-P.

I know how hard it is for my wife to make the decision she will face in a bit but I am hoping it helps to know that if she does choose to go to work, our daughter will be perfectly fine 2 seconds after she leaves. There isn’t anything dad can’t handle or at least, dad is smart enough to know when he reaches that point :-).

I guess that is how all of us guys are as husbands. I think one of the best things we try to provide for our wives is stability and support. My wife is free to make whichever decision she wants and I feel like I have done a good job if she can trust that our kid will be taken care of either way.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Dad – long-term parenting

I have decided that sometimes we look a little too far ahead when we parent. It seems that a lot of people start at what they want the adult to look like and begin building their kid into that design. That approach is probably not wrong but I like to come at it from another angle.

They say babies learn the sounds for their parent’s language starting in the womb. From that foundation, they spend the rest of their lives building a vocabulary on top of that. I think learning behaviors is much the same.

Here is an example of what I call long-term parenting. A kid is about to walk out into the street with cars coming. You can either grab him and tell him “No! you were almost hit by a car” or tell him the same thing and add “that driver couldn’t see you and wouldn’t be expecting someone to cross the road without being at a crosswalk.”

With the first response, the kid learns that walking in front of moving cars is bad” (still a good lesson).. With the second, he learns the same thing but also to anticipate where danger MIGHT happened based on what the people around him are doing and thinking. Also that crossing a road anywhere but at a crosswalk is a bad idea.

Being cautious of your surroundings and the ability to place yourself in other’s minds will be invaluable in the future and all it took was a little explaining and changing one sentence into a couple.

Basically my approach is to teach my kid the way she should want to behave instead of trying to design her into the finished product we have in our heads. An added benifit is that I won't have to say no the next 10 times she gets into a dangerous situation because she is looking for danger instead of just cars.

The downside of my way of thinking is that I am only laying foundations for her to buildon top of (with help). What she builds will hopefully be a GREAT structure but it might not match what I thought it was going to be. When it gets down to it though, she is going to grow up to be her own person no matter how hard we try so at least this way, she will have a great foundation as her means of support.

Let me know what you think...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

What happened to my recycle bin - Man, dad and husband

So I get home a while back and found my recycle bin crushed. I couldn't figure out what happened so I checked my security cam.

I just found this video while I was cleaning up my computer and thought the world would get a chuckle out of it.

Man - on being a man

I am learning more every day about being a father and still am working daily at my marriage but recently, I noticed a part of me that had slipped away. I was off work for the day and my wife and daughter had an appointment which lasted about 4 hours. All of the housework was done and my honey-do list only had a few items on it that I was ignoring :-).

I found myself sitting and wondering what I used to do for fun and I realized that whenever the dad and husband hats were removed, I honestly had no idea what to do. I realized I had lost track of what it meant to just be a man.

When I thought about what I do that doesn’t fall under the other two categories, I came up with a pretty depressing list: taking out the trash, mowing the lawn and reaching things on high shelves. And that last one could arguably be a husband or dad duty depending on what I’m reaching for.

When it all came down to it, I didn’t know how to make myself happy without my wife or child. While being happy with your family is extremely important, I believe that you can’t provide other people what you don’t already have. I want my daughter to grow up and be a happy person who wants to share that with a man as opposed to desperately looking for a man to make her happy.

I’ve never really been the car fixing, punching each other on the arm type of guy anyway so I knew I needed to find who I wanted to be and make a plan to get from here to there. So who do I want to be? I would look up to a man that has the following qualities:
- Has opinions and isn’t afraid to disagree with the group
- Is 100% faithful to his wife and children (no problem here)
- Loves his family dearly but can function without them too
- Has a hobby or something that he truly enjoys
- Not afraid to say “I don’t know what the heck your talking about” and learn about things
- Has friends

After talking with my wife, I have decided to make the following changes to my life. Only these two to start with and we will see how they go.

Start having a dad’s night out every other week - I know some dad’s from when my kid plays soccer and all of them were extremely excited about this idea. We even had our first one already and it was awesome (more on that on another day).

Learn guitar - My grandfather, mother and other relatives can play guitar and I have always wanted to learn. I bought guitars for dummies and have started messing around. I even bought a little pink guitar so me and my kid can practice together. It is important to me that this journey improves ME without taking away from them.

Lets see how these two changes go and what effect they have. I am sure I will have to make some adjustments but its a start.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Man - the beginning of the three-hat-dilemma – or, ‘why did I start this blog?

When I was growing up, I had a lot of time alone. That gave me plenty of opportunities to develop my own ideas and opinions. I had a very strong sense of self and knew exactly who I was. Every decision had only one level of approval: What do I think the right decision is?

At 19 years old, I married my new best friend after only knowing her under 3 years. That brought about quite a change because after that, I wasn’t able to choose a stance quickly. I had to consider my wife’s feelings and opinions as well before deciding where “we” would stand. At this point, every decision now had three levels: What’s best for us, for my wife and then me.

At 26, we had our daughter. This step added the most levels to my decision making process. Every decision my wife and I make first runs through the ‘how will this affect our child’ checklist (as it should).Every decision after this point had the following approval levels: What’s best for my child, my family, my marriage, my wife and then, if possible, me.

Now I am 33 and have realized something new about those levels. Though my wife would tell you that her level is more important than mine :-), I am finally understanding that they interact with each other and can not always be kept in this order. If I am a terrible husband, it will make it hard for me to be a good father (while staying with my wife) for example. It is because of that that I realize that my role as a man, a dad and a husband must be balanced.

This is a fairly new revelation to me so now I all have to do is figure out where to go from here . . .

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Beginnings

Life is always complicated. That idea is most true once you begin to live for others instead of just looking out for yourself.

My name is Bobby and I am the proud husband of a wonderful woman  who I have been married to for 13 years. In addition to that, I have a 7 year old daughter who is by far the center of my universe. Just like everyone else, I am trying to figure out what the heck I am doing and trying to keep from screwing up in the mean time. More often than not though, those screw ups do happen and when they do I learn a lot. Or at least I collect a bunch of wonderful stories.

This blog will contain the script of my adventures in trying to be a good dad, a good husband and also learn what it means to be a man. I look forward to sharing my journey with you and if nothing else, at least becoming the cautionary tale for othe men who are struggling to find who they are.