As the title of this blog suggests, I wear three hats at a time. Each day, I am trying to balance being a man, a dad and a husband but more often than not one is overpowering the others. Welcome to the collection of stories, thoughts and ramblings as I try to keep up with my dad and husband jobs while learning what it means to be a man.
Parenting help|parenting advice|husband information|fatherhood|man.
The one thing my kid put on her list to Santa this year was a bird. When prodded for a bit more details, we quickly found out that this bird was not a stuffed one but rather a real one – as in real-live, real-stinky, real-messy and real-pooping.
My wife and I are complete suckers for this kid and while she behaves as wonderfully as she usually does, we are usually extremely happy plunking down money for whatever whim passes by. *cough* only child *cough*. As the dad who cleans fish tanks, takes care of THREE dogs (see ‘not jack’), cleaned up after two gerbils, fed and watered an endless stream of ____ (insert every insect, amphibian and critter) and took not one but TWO gerbils to the vet to be put down when they got cancer ($80) I wrote a very strongly worded letter to Santa explaining how much trouble he would be in if he showed up with a bird.
Christmas morning came and Santa performed a miracle. He made my daughter just as happy with a stuffed Webkinz bird as he would have with a real one.
Until tonight . . . .
So we go to our local petsmart to check out fish and of course you can’t check out the fish without passing all the pitiful rodents\cats\reptiles and (you guessed it) birds they have for adoption. The other animals went as expected but here is where I really got thrown. My daughter walks past what I am going to call ‘the main bird’ and it whistles at her to get her attention. This is the one they put on the end of the bird section who gets his own cage palace – friggin petsmart. My trouble begins..
We have taught the kid not to stick her fingers in the cages there so she puts her hand on the glass and this bird gently tries to nudge her finger as if she has a treat. We repeated that trick 4 times. Then I put my hand up with the same results. This bird wasn’t trying to bite us so we moved around to the side of the cage with bars and the bird followed. He gently used his beak to crawl around just like the bird we met on vacation
and made a variety of noises that I believe were “they are falling for this crap” in bird-speak.
I could see the longing on my child’s face and could see the years dancing by as she played with this bird. Somehow the years of my cleaning poop began to fade a bit.
My daughter put her hand back up to the glass side of the cage and this friggin bird leans its head over against the glass. Then, doing it’s best cat impersonation, starts rubbing the back of it’s head and body against my daughters hand through the glass.
“Daddy, look how much it likes me”.
For the entire time we played with this bird, the thought of owning one became more real. It was at this time that my wife came back from wherever the heck she had been and my kid relayed all these details to her. She even repeated all of the actions with the same result with Mom in attendance.
My wife, ever the logical one, looked at the price tag before uttering a word SIX HUNDRED and FIFTY DOLLARS!
I don’t remember much of the next couple of minutes but somehow, my wife and I managed to explain that the only bird I have ever liked was WAY out of our league. I snapped back to reality and the store lost it’s dream-like fuzz and took on it’s true form. As a money hungry corporation who deliberately put the nice birds out on the end of the aisle to whistle at little kids. (a bit dramatic?)
We moved a bit further in the bird aisle to look at ones more in our range. There was an impressive variety of colors and noises but the very first bird my kid points at doesn’t nuzzle the glass between us. It craps all over it and I am instantly reminded of why we will probably remain birdless.
I consider myself a great believer of stages. Whether it is the 12 steps of a program, the stages of grief or the stages of development, you can’t understand the next one until you finish the current one.
You know how before you had kids you thought you knew exactly how it was going to go and then once you had one you realized how clueless you were? That is how it normally goes.
Occasionally though you are hit right out of the blue with something that no one ever told you was coming. That is what happened to me one week ago.
When you are 100% wrong and your kid maturely explains why.
I must preface this story with the fact that for the past few weeks we have been battling an uncharacteristically willful child who actually threw her first stomping\tantrum\fit recently..
Here we go. .
My wife was working this fine Sunday and though I knew it was a bit cold for it, I wanted to take my daughter fishing at the park across the street from the house. I was doing something in the garage with the doors open while my kid enjoyed her brief escape from the house in her pjs by dancing in the driveway. After a bit, she went inside and by the time I made it in, I saw that she had dressed herself in a horribly matching short skirt and t-shirt.
The matching I could deal with since I rarely coordinate but, knowing my secretly planned activities, I told her it was too cold to be in those clothes. Her immediate response was that it felt like summer out there. I had flashbacks of years ago when she would tell me the same thing and I knew she hadn’t even been outside.
I tightened the strings on my boxing gloves and got ready for the fight.
After a few little back-and-forth exchanges I could see where we were headed and pulled out the big guns. “I have asked you three times nicely to put on pants and those are the only nice times you are getting.” As always, that worked as she cried her way upstairs and put on warmer clothes.
Once we made up and headed outside I was immediately hit with a blast of sunshine and 73 degree weather in December. F-ing Texas. . .
That brings us to the first part of the stage where dad is 100% wrong. I had jumped on my kid without even checking the weather. I would appreciate it if no one points out the irony that I had just accused my kid of the same thing.
I apologized to my daughter and fessed up that if I had checked the weather, we would both be wearing cooler clothes. We had a wonderful time not catching a dang thing at the park and went on about our day.
Later that afternoon however the full effect of what had happened hit me. About 2pm, she was watching a show when she turns to me and calmly asks if I have ever had someone disbelieve me when I knew I was right. (you can see where this is going (but I couldn’t)). I blindly said yes and she asked how that made me feel. I told her the truth that it made me feel like the person didn’t respect me enough to believe that I would tell the truth.
The trap sprang shut as I suddenly realized why she had picked this particular line of question. “That is kinda how I felt daddy when I told you it felt like summer out there and you didn’t believe me. That is why I got so upset”
My world cracked a little bit as the fight replayed in my head. Then a bit more as I realized how my seven year old had set up this logical trap to lead me to the right answer the same way we used to do for her.
All of my buddies with daughters unloaded their experiences about the terrible twos, potty training and frilly clothing. Then they jumped into “but just wait until she is a teenager”. I don’t know why it never occurred to me that there are a great number of stages in the middle as well.
I guess in these, my daughter is capable of rationally explaining her position even when she has hurt feelings, her tears aren’t always just because she didn’t get her way and she understands a great deal more than I gave her credit for.
Yet another speed bump on my road to becoming a good dad.
I have been in so many similar situations, it isn't funny.. I found this video of a father trying to play by the rules and help his kid sleep in her crib.
Before you watch, I don't like videos that show people getting hit in the head or falling out of things so it isn't what you think. Nobody gets hurt.
It has been quite a while since we have had a baby monitor in our house but I can tell you that this man, dad and husband still gets an uneasy feeling when he thinks about them.
We have always had a bit of a curiosity about all things supernatural but that curiosity really grew after we had our daughter. On some nights when we were rocking our kid, she would startle as if someone had touched her, grumble and move over to the other shoulder. This would usually happen until we would say something like “can you please leave her alone so we can get some rest” and it would stop.
That is a very casual attitude I know but we are big believers in angels and relatives who come to visit so without any bad experiences, we are free to assume it was just someone saying hi. That nonchalant stance went right out the window one night though when she was about 6 months old.
My daughter was sleeping in her crib and we were both sleeping in our bedroom when the usual stirring and fussing began. We both laid there for about 30 seconds pretending to be asleep and trying to get out of having to do baby duty. The sound of the fussing on the baby monitor got a bit more urgent so we were both about to give in and “wake up”. It was at that point that we heard an adult on the baby monitor say “shh shh shh shh shh” in that unmistakable cadence of someone trying to quiet a restless baby.
This was not an occasion where the baby monitor picked up a neighbour. We could hear both my daughter and the voice at the same time. We knew someone was in the room with her.
Without a word, both of us LEAPT out of bed and I beat my wife into the room with my fist doubled and ready to go only to find nothing. We didn’t even have to ask each other “did you hear that” because it was apparent with the way we both ran to the room and the way we were both dripping with sweat.
For almost a week, our daughter slept with us and I honestly still get a bit nervous thinking about baby monitors. While we appreciate the fact that whoever it was seemed to be nice and helpful, we would appreciate it more if they could do it silently. :-)
One of my worst problems reared it’s ugly head again this morning. This problem is not as earth shattering as sick kids, broken cars or food poisoning but I would almost choose any of those three over this.
My daughter asked me to put on one of her favorite movies named ‘Christmas is here again’. I assume that the military let the stories of water boarding leak out to keep America occupied and prevent us from finding out the real truth. Somewhere in a super-secret base, all of the current intel is gathered due to terrorists having to sit and listen to this movie.
Ed Asner, Kathy Bates, Brad Garrett, Andy Griffith, Jay Leno, Norm MacDonald. At ANY point in reading that list of names, were you thinking “I wish I could here these guys sing together”?
As bad as the singing is, the lyrics are 900 times worse. For example, about 3 songs have the following fascinating lyrics “Who (or I) stole santa’s sack. The sack he carries on his back. Who stole santa’s sack”.
Don’t believe me about how bad this show is, watch this while I wipe the blood from my ears. At 22 seconds, you will get the feeling of the music.
Not even jokes and giggles about how many times they talk about "sack" could save my sanity. Of course, I haven't had my Dr. Pepper yet this morning so I am letting her watch this thing while I drink and make breakfast.
That made me start to wonder: What musical or theatrical bullets do you take for your kids on a recurring basis? What is it that your kids love but you hate?
Here it is. My list of father and daughter songs that I can't sing all the way through without choking up.
Gary Allan - Tough little boys
Well I never once
Backed down from a punch
Well I'd take it square on the chin
But I found out fast
That a bullies just that
And we've got to stand up to them
So I didn't cry when I got a black eye
As bad as it hurt, I just grinned
But when tough little boys grow up to be dads
They turn into big babies again.
Scared me to death
When you took your first steps
And I'd fall every time you fell down
Your first day of school, I cried like a fool
And I followed your school bus to town
Well I didn't cry, when Old Yeller died
At least not in front of my friends
But when tough little boys grow up to be dads
They turn into big babies again
Well I'm a grown man
But as strong as I am
Sometimes its hard to believe
How one little girl, with little blonde curls
Could totally terrify me
If you were to ask, my wife would just laugh
She'd say "I know all about men
How tough little boys grow up to be dads
They turn into big babies again"
Well I know one day, I'll give you away
But I'm gonna stand there and smile
But when I get home, and I'm all alone
Well, I'll sit in your room for a while
Well I didn't cry when Old Yeller died
At least not in front of my friends
But when tough little boys grow up to be dads
They turn into big babies again
When tough little boys grow up to be dads
They turn into big babies again
Steven Curtis Chapman - Cinderella
She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders
It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me
Saying "Dad, I need you
There's a ball at the castle
And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...
She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone
She will be gone
Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone
Heartland - I loved her first
Look at the two of you dancing that way
Lost in the moment and each others face
So much in love your alone in this place
Like there's nobody else in the world
I was enough for her not long ago
I was her number one
She told me so
And she still means the world to me
Just so you know
So be careful when you hold my girl
Time changes everything
Life must go on
And I'm not gonna stand in your way
But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But it still hard to give her away
I loved her first
How could that beautiful women with you
Be the same freckle face kid that I knew
The one that I read all those fairy tales to
And tucked into bed all those nights
And I knew the first time I saw you with her
It was only a matter of time
But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But its still hard to give her away
I loved her first
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
Someday you might know what I'm going through
When a miracle smiles up at you
I loved her first
Phil Collins - Father and Daughter
If you ever leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You can't remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star
I believe the light that shines on you
Will shine on you forever
And though I can't guarantee
There's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I’m gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head
I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you
Trust your intuition
It's just like going fishing
You cast your line
And hope you'll get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worrying about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night
I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you
I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you
Bob Carlisle - Butterfly Kisses
There's two things I know for sure:
She was sent here from heaven and she's
daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes and
I thank god for all the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her
hair; "Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried."
In all that I've done wrong I know I must
have done something right to deserve a hug
every morning and butterfly kisses at night.
Sweet 16 today
She's looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.
But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer; sticking
little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you, Daddy, But if you
don't mind I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
With all that I've done wrong I must have done
something right to deserve her love every morning
and butterfly kisses at night.
All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.
She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not
sure-I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
She leaned over...gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have
done something right.
To deserve your love every morning and butterfly
kisses-I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.
I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses.
Tim McGraw - My Little Girl
Gotta hold on easy as I let you go
Gonna tell you how much I love you
Though you think you already know
I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm
You've had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born
You beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl
When you were in trouble that crooked little smile could melt my heart of stone
Now look at you, I've turned around and you've almost grown
Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I Love You" in the moonlight at your door
As I walk away, I hear you say, "Daddy Love You More"
Your beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl
Someday, some boy will come and ask me for your hand
But I won't say "yes" to him unless I know, he's the half
That makes you whole, he has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man
I know he'll say that he's in love
But between you and me
He won't be good enough
Your beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl
I am reading a post about dads and being involved in school right now on another blog. It is a subject I am passionate about so I couldn't help posting on it too. If you want to check it out, it is located on a blog I follow about Dads and Daughters: Dads, Daughters and School.
I volunteer at my kid's school and have found it to be one of the most rewarding things I have done. On top of all the kids knowing who I am and high-fiving me in the hall, I feel like I have made a real difference in a few children's lives.
Last year, I was asked to take a boy to the book fair. He was absent when his class went so he was going to get to make a special trip. The teacher told me later that his parents were having problems at home so she wanted to make sure he didn’t miss out on the fair.
So this 5 year old boy and I walk to the library and when we get there, he told me he had $5 to spend. In about 20 seconds, he found a power rangers book he wanted for $4 but he kept looking. He picked up one about horses and asked if he had enough to get it.
When I answered that he didn’t, he put the power rangers back and headed towards the register. I mentioned something about liking horses more than power rangers and he replied that this book was for his sister. He wanted to buy her a present to put under the tree.
Thinking about how sweet this kid has to be to make a choice like that with all that is going on at home, I got a little bit choked up. I asked him to follow me as I stepped out of line and knelt down to be face to face. I told him that I was really proud of the choice that he had just made and asked if he always takes such good care of his sister. In true 5 year old fashion, he answered no because this was his first time to have money. :-)
After explaining that I was sure he took care of her in ways other than buying things, I told him that I believe when we make good choices good things happen to us. I told him that if he would promise to keep thinking of others that I would like to buy the power rangers book as a present for him. His eyes lit up, he gave me a hug and ran to get his book.
I am a big believer in “planting seeds”. When all I can do in a situation is plant a seed, I do it and let God take over helping it to grow. It may be that this boy forgets about our conversation or it may be that this one act of mine is the thing he remembers before making a really important choice later in life. Either way is fine by me because what this interaction did for me made it well worth my time and $4.
If you haven’t guessed yet, I love music. A lot of the things I can’t get straight in my head seem to be spoken almost straight to me through music. While my kid and I were coming home from playing at a water park yesterday, this song came up on my mp3 player.
Paul Simon – Father and Daughter -
The lyric in particular that got me thinking were as follows: And though I can't guarantee
There's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I’m gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head
As fathers, I think protection of our children is usually on the tip of our brains. I think this is because we know the truth. No matter how tough you are, the simple (and terrifying) truth is that we can’t always keep bad things from happening. So how do you prepare your kids for handling problems while not frightening them?
I believe that children need to be prepared for the fact that life isn’t always fair, bad things happen, good people get hurt sometimes and people we love can be mean to us. That being said, I think it is equally important that they know they will be able to handle any of those bad things and if they can’t we will take over and fight until they tell us to stop.
I remember my daughter asking a very serious question when she was younger. You could tell even at her early age that the matter had been weighing on her mind. She waited for a quiet hush in the car and jumped in with “Dad, What would happen if I was in school and a boy was hitting me?”
I suppressed the urge to tell her I would kick his butt and instead told her that no one has the right to hit her, she would tell him to stop and if he didn’t she would get away from him quickly and tell someone she trusts like the teacher. She asked “what if he won’t let me tell the teacher” and I resisted another urge regarding my hospitalizing this imaginary boy. I replied that we do everything we can without violence but if she couldn’t get away from him she would kick him in the ‘boy parts’ and run to the teacher. (she giggled, already relaxing)
Then came “what if the teacher didn’t do anything?”. At this point, this boy’s life was in serious jeopardy.. I told her that Dad will have already been involved since day one but if the teacher didn’t help then I would step in and it would definitely stop. (no sense describing what I would do to this poor boy).
I know my daughter was happy that big strong dad would jump in at a moments notice but I can tell now that what made a more long-term impact was telling her what SHE could do to solve the problem.
To me, that really grabs the meaning of those lyrics listed above and the long-term benefits are what we are really after. When she is an adult, I want her to be free to solve her own problems with the trust that I am standing guard and ready to unlease hell on whatever causes her pain.
I love you honey.. I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you
It seems like parenting is a constant readjustment of the steering to keep you going in the right direction doesn’t it?
You spend the first year trying to get them to talk and then the rest trying to teach them how\when to be quiet. You ask for only the truth but cringe when they tell your in-laws that sometimes daddy lets the phone go to voicemail when they call.
So I watch a bunch of judge shows and have noticed a trend. Especially since I see this same problem with ‘kids these days’, I have put it on my list of things I want to teach my kid.
It seems to me that people have coupled fault with intensions. People who are listed as ‘at fault’ for an accident respond with ‘but I didn’t mean to hit them. It was an accident’. Hopefully I can explain to my child that an accident usually has one or more people at fault but that doesn’t cast any light on the character of those involved or imply that the act was done maliciously.
With some kids on the playground the situation seems similar. One kid gets hit by someone trying to do a flip and the flipper looks for any reason at all not to apologize. He shouldn’t have been standing there – I didn’t do it on purpose – he hit me last week. .
I think we are all still so cautious of "getting in trouble" whether by the principal or monitarily for us adults.
My kid HATES to make mistakes and one thing we are working on is that mistakes stink but you might as well expect them, accept them and move on. I think the ‘fault’ dilemma relates to this.
One of my favorite movies is Elizabethtown. After a HUGE mistake in that movie, there is a line I love: "You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Discard it. And proceed."
Well, my daughter's fever is down to reasonable levels. Motrin is a WONDER drug for kids. This morning, the doc said she thinks it is just a virus since she tested negative for strep, flu a and all the other baddies.
I have a long day planned of coloring, movies, soup and playing barbies. Is it wrong that lately this sounds like my ideal way of spending a day off?
I have decided that sometimes we look a little too far ahead when we parent. It seems that a lot of people start at what they want the adult to look like and begin building their kid into that design. That approach is probably not wrong but I like to come at it from another angle.
They say babies learn the sounds for their parent’s language starting in the womb. From that foundation, they spend the rest of their lives building a vocabulary on top of that. I think learning behaviors is much the same.
Here is an example of what I call long-term parenting. A kid is about to walk out into the street with cars coming. You can either grab him and tell him “No! you were almost hit by a car” or tell him the same thing and add “that driver couldn’t see you and wouldn’t be expecting someone to cross the road without being at a crosswalk.”
With the first response, the kid learns that walking in front of moving cars is bad” (still a good lesson).. With the second, he learns the same thing but also to anticipate where danger MIGHT happened based on what the people around him are doing and thinking. Also that crossing a road anywhere but at a crosswalk is a bad idea.
Being cautious of your surroundings and the ability to place yourself in other’s minds will be invaluable in the future and all it took was a little explaining and changing one sentence into a couple.
Basically my approach is to teach my kid the way she should want to behave instead of trying to design her into the finished product we have in our heads. An added benifit is that I won't have to say no the next 10 times she gets into a dangerous situation because she is looking for danger instead of just cars.
The downside of my way of thinking is that I am only laying foundations for her to buildon top of (with help). What she builds will hopefully be a GREAT structure but it might not match what I thought it was going to be. When it gets down to it though, she is going to grow up to be her own person no matter how hard we try so at least this way, she will have a great foundation as her means of support.
By day, I am a computer nerd for a large company doing SAN storage work (and whatever else they throw at me). By night, I am a dad to a wonderful 8 year old and a husband for 14 years to a wonderful woman. As an insomniac, I surf or watch movies at night so if I begin making no sense or a post has nothing but repeated keystrokes, assume I fell asleep on the keyboard. :-)
