Man – Bill collectors: how do they sleep at night?

I just got the weirdest call. My wife and I have never been a day late on any payment and have worked our BUTTS off to maintain excellent credit even during my medical stuff. Because of that, we don’t have any experience dealing with bill collectors. The call I just got though gave me a glimpse of what kind of dirty dogs they must be.

When my wife answered the phone, the lady said she was looking for “walker bobby”. I got on the phone and she rattles off that she is trying to get in touch with my neighbor (about 8 doors down) and told me his car make\model, address and name.

I know the trick is to get me to go over there and embarrass him into calling them back but I have half a mind to give the guy their number just so he can totally rail them. Do you know how ticked off I would be if they cold-called random neighbors and told them all of my info?

I flipped out on the lady a bit when I told her to never call my house again but now I kinda stuck on what to do with their 1-800 number.

Man – the medical problems

I have said in a few posts now that I would explain “the medical problems” when I got a chance. I suppose that if I don’t do it now, I never will so here it goes.. Keeping in mind that I am compressing 4 years of crap into a one page post so I will be glazing over a bunch of the details.

What the heck happened?

My wife and I had always had our share of problems and we laughed them off as they came. For example, when my kid was 2 months old my wife fell and broke both elbows. Let me tell you that when a spouse breaks both arms at the elbow, you get closer to them than you ever wanted to be.

I fed all 3 of us, bathed all 3 of us and was on diaper\bathroom detail for all 3 of us. And when my wife says “we breast fed our kid”, she actually does mean WE.. I had to help with that too and as far as I know, the ‘nipple nazis’ in the hospital still tell stories about us when discussing how important breast feeding is :-D

When my kid was 2, I got kidney stones for the first time and had to have the ‘go get them’ surgery. Not to bore you with the details, I will just say the word urethrascope and let you use your imagination.

Even with those problems, we were still in almost inappropriately good spirits.

About a year after that though, is when ‘the medical problems’ began and they were very hard to smile through. I woke up with kidney stone pain on the same side I had stones before and went to the ER again. After a CT scan, they told me that I didn’t have any stones on the right side so the pain must be something else. Thus began the land slide.

During the next 3 years, I had:

• 6 nerve surgeries on my back
• physical therapy
• 6 CT scans
• an MRI
• a bone density scan
• bone marrow biopsies
• pain management doctors
• passed one stone I had on the left side
• had surgery for another stone on the left side
• had shingles about 4 times
• 2 colonoscopies (I am only 33 for goodness sakes)
• About 8 ER trips for pain
• And a bunch more things I can’t even remember.

Each time I went to the ER, they found some other weird crud for me to add to the list. This or that would be bad which would spur more tests and worries. We went from thinking it was kidney stones all the way through leukemia to lupus and then to neuropathy (pain in your nerves for no reason).

I went from 170 pounds to probably 200 more than that, from having no debt to ridiculous amounts and from being a workaholic to barely able to function. Medication wise, I went from viccodin all the way up to oxycontin to control the pain.

The Results: Eventually, I just asked my doctors if they thought whatever was going on was going to kill me any time soon. When they said no, I told them all to jump off a cliff and began ignoring the pain and putting our life back together. I have been doing that for about a year and am making some progress with losing the weight and have dropped all pain and numbing medications. I’ll get there.

There are a lot of things during that time that I am proud of. For example, I worked from home so I never missed a day of work, I never took the pain meds when I didn’t need them and I fought my way from oxy (oral morphine!) back down to excedrin simply because I got pissed enough.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of things I am not proud of too. In another post, I mentioned that I felt like I let this journey break me. I can almost pinpoint the moment it happened too. It was when I had everything taken away from me except my wife and child and my doctors began talking about my pain maybe being skeletal\bone cancer. They told me I wouldn’t be able to pick up my toddler any more and shouldn’t run or do anything else that might aggravate my body.

At one of the lowest points in my life I felt like someone was trying to move me out of the picture little by little. Then when I had almost nothing left, ‘they’ started taking my family from me as well which was more than I was prepared to handle.

It was at that point that I just gave up completely. I won’t tell you what life-changing moment I had since that is probably the only deeply personal subject I keep to myself but I can tell you what it was like afterwards.

I made my first rule of my new life. “God will never give you more than you can handle but the bible doesn’t say you have to handle it yourself”. I had always had God in my life but before this moment, I had prayed for him to help take care of my family – not me. Also, though my wife helped me without ever being asked, I learned to ask for her help when I needed it.

I also came to grips with my second rule. God doesn’t cause the pain in our lives but if you let him, He can use that pain for His purposes. It really helps to know that, with your cooperation, what you’re going through isn’t for no reason. That being said, God is big enough to handle it when you get upset so it is ok to say ‘this sucks’. He understands what is in your heart.

It is my belief that I may never know what good will come from my trials. It could be that 2 years from now, someone finds this post on the net and one sentence is the exact one they need to hear at that time. I don’t spend any more time wondering why it all happened because I trust that some good has already come from it and God’s plans are much greater than I can understand.

Even though in the big picture I may never know the answers, I have learned to take the good out of what happened. I realize that I didn’t get beat by this and I feel like I have survived a threat to my life even if that threat didn’t turn out to be a medical one in the end (that I know of). I am not scared of failing, dying or living any more and my ability to get upset by little things is now broken. I find myself taking less pictures than I used to.. I don’t want to look at photos to reminisce because now I bask in every Kodak moment and remember every second I have with my wife and daughter.

During my bad times, I was most upset that for half of my child’s life, I was hurting, having surgery or on medication. Now I realize when you’re seven, 4 years is a huge chunk of time. If I am around 23 good years until she is 30, 4 bad years will hardly be remembered.

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That normally would have been the end of my post but I wanted to add the following. If not for my wonderful wife, I wouldn’t have made it. With her broken arms, I helped her and kept her from having to call someone else but that was 6 weeks. My wife stood by me for 3 years of CRAP and 1 year of recovery so far and I would like to publicly thank her like I try to do privately every day.

I love you babe and thank God for sending me you.

Man - I miss my buddy

I mentioned in a different post that I had a buddy who needed me to be a friend. Since that post, his health progressively got worse until he lost his fight with cancer on Dec 30th. I attended his memorial service on Tuesday and am still having a hard time despite how much of a celebration of his life his memorial was.

This man was a coworker of mine and a friend that I will always call my ‘older brother’. The age difference between us (20+ years) never seemed to matter and in an odd way, it seemed like he was an older version of me. He LOVED music, his family, God and classic comedies like I do but the similarities don’t stop there. He was a deeply religious man but wasn’t afraid to smile at a dirty joke, he let his daughters pick what shoes he should by or if he should dye his hair (we both did that) and I can’t think of anybody he didn’t like.

I can’t count the number of hours we sat discussing everything from airplane models to the importance of family. He told me about taking his daughters to Christian-metal band concerts (which I had never heard of before) and I told him about geocaching and pretty much anything else that passed by my brain. All of my time with him was wonderful.

It seems a bit strange that one of my fondest memories will be when he was in the hospital but the time I visited with him is something I treasure. His oncology nurse had walked in to check on him and asked if I was his son. Without missing a beat, he answered yes and I will forever remember the feeling that gave me.

During the medical problems I had, I went through absolute hell. Everything I knew was torn into shreds and flushed. I think that fact is something that my buddy could relate to and that brought comfort to him knowing that I had just been on the rollercoaster of hospitals and medications. When we talked, I told him three beliefs that my problems helped me form:

1. God will never give you more than you can handle. That being said, the Bible doesn’t say you have to handle it alone. Ask for help when you need it even if the help is having someone to hear you complain without judging.
2. We may never know why these trials happen to us. God has a plan and a reason for everything but we have no promises that he will run those plans past us first. If you let yourself during those times, you will be used for His purposes which I believe are for the good. That being said, sometimes the using SUCKS.
3. If the reason my life had to go through a blender was to make my friend more comfortable or even just provide him with someone who understood, I am happy it happened despite how much it sucked and I would gladly do it again.

The world has lost a terrific man, dad and husband with my “older brother’s” passing and I have lost a wonderful friend.

Goodbye my dear friend. I love you my brother and I can’t wait until we can chat again.

Man - on feeling like a grownup

I might be a multiple personality (just kidding mom). On one hand, I feel powerful and the master of my domain but sometimes, usually when other people are involved, I feel like a kid in a room full of grownups.

We have a close friend of the family that I really look up to who seems to have it all together. His family is a “sink” as my other friend says --- single income numerous kids :-). He has a wonderful house, job and is very much like I am in personality. I had my mind blown completely when I found out that out of the 4 of us, in the 2 couples, I am the oldest. Honestly even still, I feel like I am a goofy kid and he is a really cool adult.

I don’t know why my self image is so skewed but I am beginning to wonder if it is because at the age of 19, I began working alongside 50 year olds as my peers. I am used to being the ‘crazy kid’ in the bunch. If I am wrong and all it takes is a catastrophic event I would think that my medical stuff would qualify so I don’t know when that feeling would be kicking in.

Speaking of being hired into my career at that age – I have always joked that my life is on the accelerated plan. Perhaps this is my early mid-life crisis.

I wish I could ask the people I know when they began to feel like a grown up. Was it an epiphany or just something you realized one day?

Man - on being thankful

I had the nicest thanksgiving in a long time yesterday. My wife was actually off work and after a bit of schedule manipulation, we were able to go to my Grandmother’s house for lunch.
It’s been some time since I was able to see my Grandmother and even longer that I haven’t had somewhere I had to rush off to afterwards. With me being able to truly relax, I was really able to sit back and enjoy the company of my family.

Since I had an old-fashioned Thanksgiving get together, I thought I would continue on that note and make my old-fashioned list of things I am thankful for.

Bobby’s thanksgiving list:
1. My wife – For over 13 years, we have been through her 2 broken arms, more kidney stones than I ever wanted, medical problems, loss of loved ones and lots of growing up.
2. My child – I truly understand how lucky I am to have a happy and healthy kid.
3. My extended family – No matter how long I am pulled away from them, when the laughter starts rolling, it is like we haven’t been apart.
4. My friends – those that are there for me and let me learn how to be there for them
5. My job – I always knew I would ‘do something with computers’ but now I know how many horrible jobs happen to deal with them these days. I am thrilled with where I work and am proud of the job I do there.
6. Patience and trust – both given and received
7. Our protectors in the military and also their families
8. My shoulder-angels – The little Bobby in the devil suit helps me remember how fun life is but hallowed Bobby on my other shoulder reminds me to keep that fun clean.

To everyone I hold dear: Thank you for everything you do. I wish you peace, love, tears of joy and the kindness of strangers.

Man - on being a friend indeed

Wow. I just hit the first real speed bump on my way towards becoming a man. All of the other 'problems' I have faced seem to pale in comparison to what a buddy is going trough right now.


I just visited a person in the hospital that I call my 50 year old brother. He is a private person and I will respect that but suffice it to say, he is fighting a very serious illness with even more serious medications.

With having a wife that is a nurse, I have gotten used to relying on her during times of medical crisis. She immediately takes the lead in providing comfort and is exceptionally gifted at doing so. This person though is one that she has never met and on top of that, she worked today so the responsibility of helping my friend had to be mine.

As much as I desperately wanted to be involved, I was dragging my feet for the fear that I would say the wrong thing and make him and his family burst into tears. It took a bit of courage on my part but today, I FORCED my compassion to win over my fear.

Any fear I had melted immediately when I walked into the room. In seeing me arrive, my friend let out a sigh of relief and invited me in. We talked for a couple of hours during which time I just flat out told him that I was counting on him to tell me when to get closer, shut up or get out of the way. Once I got that off my chest, I was 100% free to enjoy my time with one of my closest friends.

I learned today that my buddy didn’t suddenly turn into a “sick person” when he was admitted to the hospital. He was still just my friend who happened to be going through the hardest thing he ever has.

I didn’t have to worry about “how to be” because it just seemed to come so naturally. At times, he wanted me to be just like I am every time we get together, other times he wanted to talk about his fears. Sometimes he needed a listener and sometimes he needed me to do all the talking. The most important thing I think he needed me to be was there.

It was absolutely priceless to spend this time with him and I will be doing it again very soon. God, please be with my friend when I can’t be and keep him company until I visit him again. It won’t be long.

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WXUFYGHDZBE2

Man - on "dad's night out"

I promised to write more about my “dad’s night out” and here it is.

It has been quite a while since I tried hanging out with the guys and the last time, all of the suggestions would have required me to have a large stack of dollar bills. I have never understood going to those bars. To me it seems like shopping at an electronics store with no money in my pocket. Frustrates the crud out of me and I can get that frustrated for free.

I was relieved when we set the first dad’s night at Buffalo Wild Wings. I had never been there before and the food was great. Four of us got together initially with one joining later and it was just plain comfortable from the start. It was really quite cool being with the guys that went. I think we all are past the age where we have to put on the guy face and the range of topics really surprised me.

Don’t get me wrong, we did talk about usual guy things but also up for discussion were things like viewpoints on parenting, how we felt when our wives were pregnant and what it was like when we got the “honey its time” call.

My wife and I have been really blessed with the group of parents we have met since our kid started school and these guys were definite examples of that. I suggested we do bi-weekly which I am really hoping we pick up after the holidays because I had the best time I have had in a while.

Wonderful time that I hope repeats soon…

Man - on being a strong man

Have you ever heard the song ‘the impression that I get’ by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones?


Some of the lyrics are:
Never had to
Knock on wood
But I know someone who has
It makes me wonder if I could
...
I’m not a coward I’ve just never been tested.
I like to think that if I was I would pass.
Look at the tested and think ‘there but for the grace go I’
Might be a coward
I’m afraid of what I might find out

During all my medical problems (more on that some other day) I kept having the same dream all the time. In advance, I know how silly this dream is. Look for the meaning.

There is a light in the distance and I call my family out to see it. It gets bigger and starts shifting. The entire time we stare, I keep remarking how beautiful it is. A small amount of time passes and I begin to get filled with worry but still don’t move. By the time I realize that the lights are all spaceships coming to wipe us out, it is too late to do anything for my family.

It is odd the things that worry guys. I know that my dream was about my leading my family into disaster which was what I equated my medical stuff to but big-picture wise, it is about the fear a lot of family guys have – Will I be able to protect my family if the need arises?

We go through a lot of effort to keep from looking foolish and even more to keep from looking weak but the truth is strength just does not equal success.

More lyrics:
Have you ever felt a pain so powerful
So heavy you collapse?

I can actually answer yes to that. I used to feel so ashamed that I let the pain beat me down so far but now I wear my survival like a badge of honor.

My medical problems and the associated changes on my life pushed me to the edge of breaking (and a bit beyond if I’m honest) but I am slowly beginning to understand that just for making it through that situation, I can consider myself strong. The fact that I made it through with out loosing my marriage, house or job means that I beat the pain.

I wonder how many more things in my life that get me down just require a different way of looking at things . . .

Man - on being a man

I am learning more every day about being a father and still am working daily at my marriage but recently, I noticed a part of me that had slipped away. I was off work for the day and my wife and daughter had an appointment which lasted about 4 hours. All of the housework was done and my honey-do list only had a few items on it that I was ignoring :-).

I found myself sitting and wondering what I used to do for fun and I realized that whenever the dad and husband hats were removed, I honestly had no idea what to do. I realized I had lost track of what it meant to just be a man.

When I thought about what I do that doesn’t fall under the other two categories, I came up with a pretty depressing list: taking out the trash, mowing the lawn and reaching things on high shelves. And that last one could arguably be a husband or dad duty depending on what I’m reaching for.

When it all came down to it, I didn’t know how to make myself happy without my wife or child. While being happy with your family is extremely important, I believe that you can’t provide other people what you don’t already have. I want my daughter to grow up and be a happy person who wants to share that with a man as opposed to desperately looking for a man to make her happy.

I’ve never really been the car fixing, punching each other on the arm type of guy anyway so I knew I needed to find who I wanted to be and make a plan to get from here to there. So who do I want to be? I would look up to a man that has the following qualities:
- Has opinions and isn’t afraid to disagree with the group
- Is 100% faithful to his wife and children (no problem here)
- Loves his family dearly but can function without them too
- Has a hobby or something that he truly enjoys
- Not afraid to say “I don’t know what the heck your talking about” and learn about things
- Has friends

After talking with my wife, I have decided to make the following changes to my life. Only these two to start with and we will see how they go.

Start having a dad’s night out every other week - I know some dad’s from when my kid plays soccer and all of them were extremely excited about this idea. We even had our first one already and it was awesome (more on that on another day).

Learn guitar - My grandfather, mother and other relatives can play guitar and I have always wanted to learn. I bought guitars for dummies and have started messing around. I even bought a little pink guitar so me and my kid can practice together. It is important to me that this journey improves ME without taking away from them.

Lets see how these two changes go and what effect they have. I am sure I will have to make some adjustments but its a start.

Man - the beginning of the three-hat-dilemma – or, ‘why did I start this blog?

When I was growing up, I had a lot of time alone. That gave me plenty of opportunities to develop my own ideas and opinions. I had a very strong sense of self and knew exactly who I was. Every decision had only one level of approval: What do I think the right decision is?

At 19 years old, I married my new best friend after only knowing her under 3 years. That brought about quite a change because after that, I wasn’t able to choose a stance quickly. I had to consider my wife’s feelings and opinions as well before deciding where “we” would stand. At this point, every decision now had three levels: What’s best for us, for my wife and then me.

At 26, we had our daughter. This step added the most levels to my decision making process. Every decision my wife and I make first runs through the ‘how will this affect our child’ checklist (as it should).Every decision after this point had the following approval levels: What’s best for my child, my family, my marriage, my wife and then, if possible, me.

Now I am 33 and have realized something new about those levels. Though my wife would tell you that her level is more important than mine :-), I am finally understanding that they interact with each other and can not always be kept in this order. If I am a terrible husband, it will make it hard for me to be a good father (while staying with my wife) for example. It is because of that that I realize that my role as a man, a dad and a husband must be balanced.

This is a fairly new revelation to me so now I all have to do is figure out where to go from here . . .