Husband - on marriage – the off-limits list

I have been married to the same wonderful woman for 13 years now and recently a friend and I were discussing how marriage is hard work but very worth it.

We discussed a few of the things that him and I think helped get us through the hard times. The first was trust and the second was communication which I think I will save for different posts so for this one, I would like to take a look at number 3 on our list.

The off-limits list

When my wife and I were first starting out we decided to make a list of common marriage problems that we refused to let into our relationship. The list was quickly populated with things like cheating, leaving the house in anger, name calling, going to bed angry, throwing rings at each other or saying “I want a divorce” without being prepared to sign the papers. We did this at the beginning of our marriage but I think it could be started at any time.

I believe that list to have been a very important foundation for what we were building. Marriage is a very risky venture. On one hand, there isn’t anyone as close to you as your spouse but on the other, there isn’t another person who knows your past, your fears and your pressure points so well.

While we grew together, the list grew and changed. In a very short amount of time, the list went from a prenuptial contract to include a list of topics which were off limits for use later. That allowed us a great deal more freedom since we could share the most private thoughts we had with no fear of being hurt with it later.

For example, sometimes you might want to say that your family is full of a bunch of nuts but you wouldn’t want to hear that called up in the middle of a fight. There were times during the heat of battle where we would forget and say something from the list. The other only had to say “that one is off limits” and we would back off of it to explain what we really meant.

As time passed, some of the off limit topics quietly fell off the list. As we built trust that the other would never purposefully use something from the list to hurt us, we were able to take what they said at face value. We realized that “our family” now meant the folks living in our house and “extended family” now grouped together all relatives on both sides for example.

We also realized that both sides are full of a bunch of nuts :-). (sorry gang)