As the title of this blog suggests, I wear three hats at a time. Each day, I am trying to balance being a man, a dad and a husband but more often than not one is overpowering the others. Welcome to the collection of stories, thoughts and ramblings as I try to keep up with my dad and husband jobs while learning what it means to be a man.
Parenting help|parenting advice|husband information|fatherhood|man.
The one thing my kid put on her list to Santa this year was a bird. When prodded for a bit more details, we quickly found out that this bird was not a stuffed one but rather a real one – as in real-live, real-stinky, real-messy and real-pooping.
My wife and I are complete suckers for this kid and while she behaves as wonderfully as she usually does, we are usually extremely happy plunking down money for whatever whim passes by. *cough* only child *cough*. As the dad who cleans fish tanks, takes care of THREE dogs (see ‘not jack’), cleaned up after two gerbils, fed and watered an endless stream of ____ (insert every insect, amphibian and critter) and took not one but TWO gerbils to the vet to be put down when they got cancer ($80) I wrote a very strongly worded letter to Santa explaining how much trouble he would be in if he showed up with a bird.
Christmas morning came and Santa performed a miracle. He made my daughter just as happy with a stuffed Webkinz bird as he would have with a real one.
Until tonight . . . .
So we go to our local petsmart to check out fish and of course you can’t check out the fish without passing all the pitiful rodents\cats\reptiles and (you guessed it) birds they have for adoption. The other animals went as expected but here is where I really got thrown. My daughter walks past what I am going to call ‘the main bird’ and it whistles at her to get her attention. This is the one they put on the end of the bird section who gets his own cage palace – friggin petsmart. My trouble begins..
We have taught the kid not to stick her fingers in the cages there so she puts her hand on the glass and this bird gently tries to nudge her finger as if she has a treat. We repeated that trick 4 times. Then I put my hand up with the same results. This bird wasn’t trying to bite us so we moved around to the side of the cage with bars and the bird followed. He gently used his beak to crawl around just like the bird we met on vacation
and made a variety of noises that I believe were “they are falling for this crap” in bird-speak.
I could see the longing on my child’s face and could see the years dancing by as she played with this bird. Somehow the years of my cleaning poop began to fade a bit.
My daughter put her hand back up to the glass side of the cage and this friggin bird leans its head over against the glass. Then, doing it’s best cat impersonation, starts rubbing the back of it’s head and body against my daughters hand through the glass.
“Daddy, look how much it likes me”.
For the entire time we played with this bird, the thought of owning one became more real. It was at this time that my wife came back from wherever the heck she had been and my kid relayed all these details to her. She even repeated all of the actions with the same result with Mom in attendance.
My wife, ever the logical one, looked at the price tag before uttering a word SIX HUNDRED and FIFTY DOLLARS!
I don’t remember much of the next couple of minutes but somehow, my wife and I managed to explain that the only bird I have ever liked was WAY out of our league. I snapped back to reality and the store lost it’s dream-like fuzz and took on it’s true form. As a money hungry corporation who deliberately put the nice birds out on the end of the aisle to whistle at little kids. (a bit dramatic?)
We moved a bit further in the bird aisle to look at ones more in our range. There was an impressive variety of colors and noises but the very first bird my kid points at doesn’t nuzzle the glass between us. It craps all over it and I am instantly reminded of why we will probably remain birdless.
It was the night before Christmas . . . But wait you say, this post is dated Dec 25th.
When you are the husband of a nurse, you learn to take Christmas when you can get it. My wife has to work at least one of the Christmas holidays so that means that she either misses Christmas Eve or day each year. This year, it was the 25th she had to work so we asked Santa to come on the night of the 26th instead. Luckily, I think he appreciates the ease of his work load with a chance to do some kids on another night so he said SURE!
Therefore, this morning was a bit different for dad and daughter than other people. She and I woke up about 8am and put on all of our winter gear (literally all of it.. We only have one set of long underwear\gloves\etc) and went out to mess up the blanket of snow before any one else :-).
We had the BEST time building snowmen, throwing snow at each other and making snow angels in the park. When we got to the other side, we met another ‘working widow’ whose husband is a pilot. Her and her son David were at the park for the same reason we were and David had a SLED!
Granted that this is Texas sledding which means about 2 feet but the kids had an awesome time.
David’s Mom and I were talking about how odd it is to know that we are by ourselves while everyone else was waking up and opening presents. She and her husband did Christmas the night before and dad left for the airport before the weather got bad. It was so nice to find someone else who understands the ‘Christmas when you can get it concept’.
Even though there is a touch of sadness for dad and mom about being alone ‘on Christmas’, I do like that our kids are picking up that the holidays are ANY time you can get everyone together for a good time. David loved getting all of his stuff a day earlier than his friends and my kid loves that her Christmas lasts twice as long as everyone else’s.
Apart from that tiny bit of sadness, I wouldn’t have changed today for anything. I wonder how many dads have precious time like I had this morning with my kid and don’t just savor every delicious minute of it.
On top of the wonderful day I am having today, I can’t wait for mom to come home from work and for the fun to really begin.
I consider myself a great believer of stages. Whether it is the 12 steps of a program, the stages of grief or the stages of development, you can’t understand the next one until you finish the current one.
You know how before you had kids you thought you knew exactly how it was going to go and then once you had one you realized how clueless you were? That is how it normally goes.
Occasionally though you are hit right out of the blue with something that no one ever told you was coming. That is what happened to me one week ago.
When you are 100% wrong and your kid maturely explains why.
I must preface this story with the fact that for the past few weeks we have been battling an uncharacteristically willful child who actually threw her first stomping\tantrum\fit recently..
Here we go. .
My wife was working this fine Sunday and though I knew it was a bit cold for it, I wanted to take my daughter fishing at the park across the street from the house. I was doing something in the garage with the doors open while my kid enjoyed her brief escape from the house in her pjs by dancing in the driveway. After a bit, she went inside and by the time I made it in, I saw that she had dressed herself in a horribly matching short skirt and t-shirt.
The matching I could deal with since I rarely coordinate but, knowing my secretly planned activities, I told her it was too cold to be in those clothes. Her immediate response was that it felt like summer out there. I had flashbacks of years ago when she would tell me the same thing and I knew she hadn’t even been outside.
I tightened the strings on my boxing gloves and got ready for the fight.
After a few little back-and-forth exchanges I could see where we were headed and pulled out the big guns. “I have asked you three times nicely to put on pants and those are the only nice times you are getting.” As always, that worked as she cried her way upstairs and put on warmer clothes.
Once we made up and headed outside I was immediately hit with a blast of sunshine and 73 degree weather in December. F-ing Texas. . .
That brings us to the first part of the stage where dad is 100% wrong. I had jumped on my kid without even checking the weather. I would appreciate it if no one points out the irony that I had just accused my kid of the same thing.
I apologized to my daughter and fessed up that if I had checked the weather, we would both be wearing cooler clothes. We had a wonderful time not catching a dang thing at the park and went on about our day.
Later that afternoon however the full effect of what had happened hit me. About 2pm, she was watching a show when she turns to me and calmly asks if I have ever had someone disbelieve me when I knew I was right. (you can see where this is going (but I couldn’t)). I blindly said yes and she asked how that made me feel. I told her the truth that it made me feel like the person didn’t respect me enough to believe that I would tell the truth.
The trap sprang shut as I suddenly realized why she had picked this particular line of question. “That is kinda how I felt daddy when I told you it felt like summer out there and you didn’t believe me. That is why I got so upset”
My world cracked a little bit as the fight replayed in my head. Then a bit more as I realized how my seven year old had set up this logical trap to lead me to the right answer the same way we used to do for her.
All of my buddies with daughters unloaded their experiences about the terrible twos, potty training and frilly clothing. Then they jumped into “but just wait until she is a teenager”. I don’t know why it never occurred to me that there are a great number of stages in the middle as well.
I guess in these, my daughter is capable of rationally explaining her position even when she has hurt feelings, her tears aren’t always just because she didn’t get her way and she understands a great deal more than I gave her credit for.
Yet another speed bump on my road to becoming a good dad.
I have been in so many similar situations, it isn't funny.. I found this video of a father trying to play by the rules and help his kid sleep in her crib.
Before you watch, I don't like videos that show people getting hit in the head or falling out of things so it isn't what you think. Nobody gets hurt.
It has been quite a while since we have had a baby monitor in our house but I can tell you that this man, dad and husband still gets an uneasy feeling when he thinks about them.
We have always had a bit of a curiosity about all things supernatural but that curiosity really grew after we had our daughter. On some nights when we were rocking our kid, she would startle as if someone had touched her, grumble and move over to the other shoulder. This would usually happen until we would say something like “can you please leave her alone so we can get some rest” and it would stop.
That is a very casual attitude I know but we are big believers in angels and relatives who come to visit so without any bad experiences, we are free to assume it was just someone saying hi. That nonchalant stance went right out the window one night though when she was about 6 months old.
My daughter was sleeping in her crib and we were both sleeping in our bedroom when the usual stirring and fussing began. We both laid there for about 30 seconds pretending to be asleep and trying to get out of having to do baby duty. The sound of the fussing on the baby monitor got a bit more urgent so we were both about to give in and “wake up”. It was at that point that we heard an adult on the baby monitor say “shh shh shh shh shh” in that unmistakable cadence of someone trying to quiet a restless baby.
This was not an occasion where the baby monitor picked up a neighbour. We could hear both my daughter and the voice at the same time. We knew someone was in the room with her.
Without a word, both of us LEAPT out of bed and I beat my wife into the room with my fist doubled and ready to go only to find nothing. We didn’t even have to ask each other “did you hear that” because it was apparent with the way we both ran to the room and the way we were both dripping with sweat.
For almost a week, our daughter slept with us and I honestly still get a bit nervous thinking about baby monitors. While we appreciate the fact that whoever it was seemed to be nice and helpful, we would appreciate it more if they could do it silently. :-)
One of my worst problems reared it’s ugly head again this morning. This problem is not as earth shattering as sick kids, broken cars or food poisoning but I would almost choose any of those three over this.
My daughter asked me to put on one of her favorite movies named ‘Christmas is here again’. I assume that the military let the stories of water boarding leak out to keep America occupied and prevent us from finding out the real truth. Somewhere in a super-secret base, all of the current intel is gathered due to terrorists having to sit and listen to this movie.
Ed Asner, Kathy Bates, Brad Garrett, Andy Griffith, Jay Leno, Norm MacDonald. At ANY point in reading that list of names, were you thinking “I wish I could here these guys sing together”?
As bad as the singing is, the lyrics are 900 times worse. For example, about 3 songs have the following fascinating lyrics “Who (or I) stole santa’s sack. The sack he carries on his back. Who stole santa’s sack”.
Don’t believe me about how bad this show is, watch this while I wipe the blood from my ears. At 22 seconds, you will get the feeling of the music.
Not even jokes and giggles about how many times they talk about "sack" could save my sanity. Of course, I haven't had my Dr. Pepper yet this morning so I am letting her watch this thing while I drink and make breakfast.
That made me start to wonder: What musical or theatrical bullets do you take for your kids on a recurring basis? What is it that your kids love but you hate?
This Christmas, my wife wanted to bring back a childhood memory to share with our daughter. We are big on traditions in our little 3 person family so my duty as man, dad and husband required me to participate. The shocking thing is that this activity was ridiculously easy, cheap as heck and loads of fun.
The wife pulled out her mother’s old recipe for making Christmas ornaments and after purchasing a few supplies, we had an entire evening of Christmas music, baking, painting and talking for less than you would spend at the movies.
Salt Dough Ornaments
2 C. flour
1 C. salt
1 C. water
Mix salt and flour. Add in half the water, then gradually add the remaining water. Knead until the dough is smooth, this can take up to 10 minutes.
For flat dough ornaments roll out the dough on baking paper. You can also be creative and make odd shapes and wreaths (takes longer to bake.) Use cookie cutters, cut-out templates, or just use your hands.
Dust dough with flour and begin to add details to the ornaments with a toothpick, popsicle stick, and knife.
Don't forget to make a hole so you can hang the ornament.
Baking: Time varies based on thickness of ornament
Temperature: 325°F.
Time: 1 1/2 hours - or until dry
Let cool before you begin. Paint with acrylic paints. Glue on beads, buttons, or any fun accessory. Coat with acrylic varnish when everything is dry.
Total cost looks like this:
Dough = $0.50 maybe
cookie cutters = $1
acrylic paint = $10
Acrylic varnish in a spray can = $4
1 bottle of clear acrylic sparkle paint = $1
Total for evening of fun: $16.50
Results: (while keeping in mind that I SUCK at painting)
Here it is. My list of father and daughter songs that I can't sing all the way through without choking up.
Gary Allan - Tough little boys
Well I never once
Backed down from a punch
Well I'd take it square on the chin
But I found out fast
That a bullies just that
And we've got to stand up to them
So I didn't cry when I got a black eye
As bad as it hurt, I just grinned
But when tough little boys grow up to be dads
They turn into big babies again.
Scared me to death
When you took your first steps
And I'd fall every time you fell down
Your first day of school, I cried like a fool
And I followed your school bus to town
Well I didn't cry, when Old Yeller died
At least not in front of my friends
But when tough little boys grow up to be dads
They turn into big babies again
Well I'm a grown man
But as strong as I am
Sometimes its hard to believe
How one little girl, with little blonde curls
Could totally terrify me
If you were to ask, my wife would just laugh
She'd say "I know all about men
How tough little boys grow up to be dads
They turn into big babies again"
Well I know one day, I'll give you away
But I'm gonna stand there and smile
But when I get home, and I'm all alone
Well, I'll sit in your room for a while
Well I didn't cry when Old Yeller died
At least not in front of my friends
But when tough little boys grow up to be dads
They turn into big babies again
When tough little boys grow up to be dads
They turn into big babies again
Steven Curtis Chapman - Cinderella
She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders
It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me
Saying "Dad, I need you
There's a ball at the castle
And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...
She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone
She will be gone
Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone
Heartland - I loved her first
Look at the two of you dancing that way
Lost in the moment and each others face
So much in love your alone in this place
Like there's nobody else in the world
I was enough for her not long ago
I was her number one
She told me so
And she still means the world to me
Just so you know
So be careful when you hold my girl
Time changes everything
Life must go on
And I'm not gonna stand in your way
But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But it still hard to give her away
I loved her first
How could that beautiful women with you
Be the same freckle face kid that I knew
The one that I read all those fairy tales to
And tucked into bed all those nights
And I knew the first time I saw you with her
It was only a matter of time
But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But its still hard to give her away
I loved her first
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
Someday you might know what I'm going through
When a miracle smiles up at you
I loved her first
Phil Collins - Father and Daughter
If you ever leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You can't remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star
I believe the light that shines on you
Will shine on you forever
And though I can't guarantee
There's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I’m gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head
I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you
Trust your intuition
It's just like going fishing
You cast your line
And hope you'll get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worrying about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night
I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you
I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you
Bob Carlisle - Butterfly Kisses
There's two things I know for sure:
She was sent here from heaven and she's
daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes and
I thank god for all the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her
hair; "Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried."
In all that I've done wrong I know I must
have done something right to deserve a hug
every morning and butterfly kisses at night.
Sweet 16 today
She's looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.
But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer; sticking
little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you, Daddy, But if you
don't mind I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
With all that I've done wrong I must have done
something right to deserve her love every morning
and butterfly kisses at night.
All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.
She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not
sure-I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
She leaned over...gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have
done something right.
To deserve your love every morning and butterfly
kisses-I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.
I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses.
Tim McGraw - My Little Girl
Gotta hold on easy as I let you go
Gonna tell you how much I love you
Though you think you already know
I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm
You've had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born
You beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl
When you were in trouble that crooked little smile could melt my heart of stone
Now look at you, I've turned around and you've almost grown
Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I Love You" in the moonlight at your door
As I walk away, I hear you say, "Daddy Love You More"
Your beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl
Someday, some boy will come and ask me for your hand
But I won't say "yes" to him unless I know, he's the half
That makes you whole, he has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man
I know he'll say that he's in love
But between you and me
He won't be good enough
Your beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this whole world
But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl
Before I got married, I had always heard that marriage was 50/50 and I was planning on living my life by that rule. It didn’t take me very long though to figure out that the 50/50 split is all wrong.
In my 13 years of experience, the split is more like 70/30 or 80/20 but that is only half of the sentence. The rest which is more important is that you have to make sure those percentages flip back and forth.
I can’t think of how many times my wife or I wasted feeling like a complete failure because we didn’t get the house clean or we didn’t feel like running to the store. We felt that if we weren’t keeping up our 50% of the housework or cooking that we were letting the other one down. I think the change in our thinking happened with our string of medical problems.
My wife broke BOTH arms at the elbow when our daughter was 2 months old. During that time, I obviously had to do all of the cooking, bathroom duties and bathing for my 2 month old and my wife. There aren’t many couples that mean WE when they say “we breastfed our children” but we can use that saying literally. I had to get up for every feed and help my daughter breastfeed.
Once we got past that little adventure, I got kidney stones followed by 3 years worth of mysterious pain of unknown origin. My wife was basically responsible for all of our family’s strength and most times the cooking and child care while I fought to make it through.
We realized during those periods that people who try and enforce the 50% rule like we did build up a lot of resentment. They feel like they are doing more than their share and any loafing on the other’s part means they don’t care anymore. We also realized how comforting it is to have your spouse say “Let me handle things for a while” with the trust that you will do the same for them.
I am reading a post about dads and being involved in school right now on another blog. It is a subject I am passionate about so I couldn't help posting on it too. If you want to check it out, it is located on a blog I follow about Dads and Daughters: Dads, Daughters and School.
I volunteer at my kid's school and have found it to be one of the most rewarding things I have done. On top of all the kids knowing who I am and high-fiving me in the hall, I feel like I have made a real difference in a few children's lives.
Last year, I was asked to take a boy to the book fair. He was absent when his class went so he was going to get to make a special trip. The teacher told me later that his parents were having problems at home so she wanted to make sure he didn’t miss out on the fair.
So this 5 year old boy and I walk to the library and when we get there, he told me he had $5 to spend. In about 20 seconds, he found a power rangers book he wanted for $4 but he kept looking. He picked up one about horses and asked if he had enough to get it.
When I answered that he didn’t, he put the power rangers back and headed towards the register. I mentioned something about liking horses more than power rangers and he replied that this book was for his sister. He wanted to buy her a present to put under the tree.
Thinking about how sweet this kid has to be to make a choice like that with all that is going on at home, I got a little bit choked up. I asked him to follow me as I stepped out of line and knelt down to be face to face. I told him that I was really proud of the choice that he had just made and asked if he always takes such good care of his sister. In true 5 year old fashion, he answered no because this was his first time to have money. :-)
After explaining that I was sure he took care of her in ways other than buying things, I told him that I believe when we make good choices good things happen to us. I told him that if he would promise to keep thinking of others that I would like to buy the power rangers book as a present for him. His eyes lit up, he gave me a hug and ran to get his book.
I am a big believer in “planting seeds”. When all I can do in a situation is plant a seed, I do it and let God take over helping it to grow. It may be that this boy forgets about our conversation or it may be that this one act of mine is the thing he remembers before making a really important choice later in life. Either way is fine by me because what this interaction did for me made it well worth my time and $4.
I have been married to the same wonderful woman for 13 years now and recently a friend and I were discussing how marriage is hard work but very worth it.
We discussed a few of the things that him and I think helped get us through the hard times. The first was trust and the second was communication which I think I will save for different posts so for this one, I would like to take a look at number 3 on our list.
The off-limits list
When my wife and I were first starting out we decided to make a list of common marriage problems that we refused to let into our relationship. The list was quickly populated with things like cheating, leaving the house in anger, name calling, going to bed angry, throwing rings at each other or saying “I want a divorce” without being prepared to sign the papers. We did this at the beginning of our marriage but I think it could be started at any time.
I believe that list to have been a very important foundation for what we were building. Marriage is a very risky venture. On one hand, there isn’t anyone as close to you as your spouse but on the other, there isn’t another person who knows your past, your fears and your pressure points so well.
While we grew together, the list grew and changed. In a very short amount of time, the list went from a prenuptial contract to include a list of topics which were off limits for use later. That allowed us a great deal more freedom since we could share the most private thoughts we had with no fear of being hurt with it later.
For example, sometimes you might want to say that your family is full of a bunch of nuts but you wouldn’t want to hear that called up in the middle of a fight. There were times during the heat of battle where we would forget and say something from the list. The other only had to say “that one is off limits” and we would back off of it to explain what we really meant.
As time passed, some of the off limit topics quietly fell off the list. As we built trust that the other would never purposefully use something from the list to hurt us, we were able to take what they said at face value. We realized that “our family” now meant the folks living in our house and “extended family” now grouped together all relatives on both sides for example.
We also realized that both sides are full of a bunch of nuts :-). (sorry gang)
If you haven’t guessed yet, I love music. A lot of the things I can’t get straight in my head seem to be spoken almost straight to me through music. While my kid and I were coming home from playing at a water park yesterday, this song came up on my mp3 player.
Paul Simon – Father and Daughter -
The lyric in particular that got me thinking were as follows: And though I can't guarantee
There's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I’m gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head
As fathers, I think protection of our children is usually on the tip of our brains. I think this is because we know the truth. No matter how tough you are, the simple (and terrifying) truth is that we can’t always keep bad things from happening. So how do you prepare your kids for handling problems while not frightening them?
I believe that children need to be prepared for the fact that life isn’t always fair, bad things happen, good people get hurt sometimes and people we love can be mean to us. That being said, I think it is equally important that they know they will be able to handle any of those bad things and if they can’t we will take over and fight until they tell us to stop.
I remember my daughter asking a very serious question when she was younger. You could tell even at her early age that the matter had been weighing on her mind. She waited for a quiet hush in the car and jumped in with “Dad, What would happen if I was in school and a boy was hitting me?”
I suppressed the urge to tell her I would kick his butt and instead told her that no one has the right to hit her, she would tell him to stop and if he didn’t she would get away from him quickly and tell someone she trusts like the teacher. She asked “what if he won’t let me tell the teacher” and I resisted another urge regarding my hospitalizing this imaginary boy. I replied that we do everything we can without violence but if she couldn’t get away from him she would kick him in the ‘boy parts’ and run to the teacher. (she giggled, already relaxing)
Then came “what if the teacher didn’t do anything?”. At this point, this boy’s life was in serious jeopardy.. I told her that Dad will have already been involved since day one but if the teacher didn’t help then I would step in and it would definitely stop. (no sense describing what I would do to this poor boy).
I know my daughter was happy that big strong dad would jump in at a moments notice but I can tell now that what made a more long-term impact was telling her what SHE could do to solve the problem.
To me, that really grabs the meaning of those lyrics listed above and the long-term benefits are what we are really after. When she is an adult, I want her to be free to solve her own problems with the trust that I am standing guard and ready to unlease hell on whatever causes her pain.
I love you honey.. I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you
I might be a multiple personality (just kidding mom). On one hand, I feel powerful and the master of my domain but sometimes, usually when other people are involved, I feel like a kid in a room full of grownups.
We have a close friend of the family that I really look up to who seems to have it all together. His family is a “sink” as my other friend says --- single income numerous kids :-). He has a wonderful house, job and is very much like I am in personality. I had my mind blown completely when I found out that out of the 4 of us, in the 2 couples, I am the oldest. Honestly even still, I feel like I am a goofy kid and he is a really cool adult.
I don’t know why my self image is so skewed but I am beginning to wonder if it is because at the age of 19, I began working alongside 50 year olds as my peers. I am used to being the ‘crazy kid’ in the bunch. If I am wrong and all it takes is a catastrophic event I would think that my medical stuff would qualify so I don’t know when that feeling would be kicking in.
Speaking of being hired into my career at that age – I have always joked that my life is on the accelerated plan. Perhaps this is my early mid-life crisis.
I wish I could ask the people I know when they began to feel like a grown up. Was it an epiphany or just something you realized one day?
I have had so much fun writing this blog so far, I thought I would begin another.
Good Clean Educational Fun will contain the information that I posted here about geocaching for a start. Then I am going to start adding all those little science experiments me and my daughter do. Potato clocks, making butter, capillary action and all those other nerd moments I have shared with her will now be unleashed upon the world :-).
Time to start building the other site along with this one.
I had the nicest thanksgiving in a long time yesterday. My wife was actually off work and after a bit of schedule manipulation, we were able to go to my Grandmother’s house for lunch.
It’s been some time since I was able to see my Grandmother and even longer that I haven’t had somewhere I had to rush off to afterwards. With me being able to truly relax, I was really able to sit back and enjoy the company of my family.
Since I had an old-fashioned Thanksgiving get together, I thought I would continue on that note and make my old-fashioned list of things I am thankful for.
Bobby’s thanksgiving list:
1. My wife – For over 13 years, we have been through her 2 broken arms, more kidney stones than I ever wanted, medical problems, loss of loved ones and lots of growing up.
2. My child – I truly understand how lucky I am to have a happy and healthy kid.
3. My extended family – No matter how long I am pulled away from them, when the laughter starts rolling, it is like we haven’t been apart.
4. My friends – those that are there for me and let me learn how to be there for them
5. My job – I always knew I would ‘do something with computers’ but now I know how many horrible jobs happen to deal with them these days. I am thrilled with where I work and am proud of the job I do there.
6. Patience and trust – both given and received
7. Our protectors in the military and also their families
8. My shoulder-angels – The little Bobby in the devil suit helps me remember how fun life is but hallowed Bobby on my other shoulder reminds me to keep that fun clean.
To everyone I hold dear: Thank you for everything you do. I wish you peace, love, tears of joy and the kindness of strangers.
I may have something to be thankful for in regards to our stray dog. Only one day after my previous post talking about how quickly my kid attached herself to this dog, I got a hit on a possible home for him.
We will know by Monday if they want the dog and I already talked to my kid about it. She asked if we could give him the presents we bought for him (chew toys) before he goes but understood that he would be happier with more room.
I will absolutely update you guys if I can get rid of the dog. Honestly though, you might be able to HEAR me scream woo hoo :-).
Wow. I just hit the first real speed bump on my way towards becoming a man. All of the other 'problems' I have faced seem to pale in comparison to what a buddy is going trough right now.
I just visited a person in the hospital that I call my 50 year old brother. He is a private person and I will respect that but suffice it to say, he is fighting a very serious illness with even more serious medications.
With having a wife that is a nurse, I have gotten used to relying on her during times of medical crisis. She immediately takes the lead in providing comfort and is exceptionally gifted at doing so. This person though is one that she has never met and on top of that, she worked today so the responsibility of helping my friend had to be mine.
As much as I desperately wanted to be involved, I was dragging my feet for the fear that I would say the wrong thing and make him and his family burst into tears. It took a bit of courage on my part but today, I FORCED my compassion to win over my fear.
Any fear I had melted immediately when I walked into the room. In seeing me arrive, my friend let out a sigh of relief and invited me in. We talked for a couple of hours during which time I just flat out told him that I was counting on him to tell me when to get closer, shut up or get out of the way. Once I got that off my chest, I was 100% free to enjoy my time with one of my closest friends.
I learned today that my buddy didn’t suddenly turn into a “sick person” when he was admitted to the hospital. He was still just my friend who happened to be going through the hardest thing he ever has.
I didn’t have to worry about “how to be” because it just seemed to come so naturally. At times, he wanted me to be just like I am every time we get together, other times he wanted to talk about his fears. Sometimes he needed a listener and sometimes he needed me to do all the talking. The most important thing I think he needed me to be was there.
It was absolutely priceless to spend this time with him and I will be doing it again very soon. God, please be with my friend when I can’t be and keep him company until I visit him again. It won’t be long.
Three months ago, my daughter performed a mission of mercy. We noticed a dog walking around the block and I was immediately pelted with pleas from my kid to ‘save him’. After just a little coaxing, we got this dog into our back yard with our two dogs which I thought was going to be our biggest problem. I suppose this would fall under the category of things you hear other dads talk about and don’t understand until it happens to you.
I made my daughter stay inside while I was getting my camera for some lost dog photos and the entire time, her nose was pressed against the glass watching him. Smiling and quietly congratulating myself on creating such a wonderful teaching situation, I returned to the door to be informed by my kid that the other dogs are being nice to “jack”.
I was stunned for just a moment until I realized who she must be talking about. At that point, my confusion turned to fear and I unconsciously switched into damage control mode. My very firm reminder that we would under no circumstances be keeping this dog seemed to fall on deaf ears as my kid giggled about him playing with our dogs.
The very next time she mentioned something about Jack, I explained very calmly that we would not be naming him since we wouldn’t be keeping him. She inquired quite logically what we would call him while he was here to which I replied “not jack”.
Fast forward 3 months, 43 craigslist posts and approximately 25 posters later to now. Not Jack somehow was given a tag with just plain Jack and I now have 3 dogs too many.
I can’t believe the power of subtlety and how quickly it all happened. Oh well, at least he looks happy.
I promised to write more about my “dad’s night out” and here it is.
It has been quite a while since I tried hanging out with the guys and the last time, all of the suggestions would have required me to have a large stack of dollar bills. I have never understood going to those bars. To me it seems like shopping at an electronics store with no money in my pocket. Frustrates the crud out of me and I can get that frustrated for free.
I was relieved when we set the first dad’s night at Buffalo Wild Wings. I had never been there before and the food was great. Four of us got together initially with one joining later and it was just plain comfortable from the start. It was really quite cool being with the guys that went. I think we all are past the age where we have to put on the guy face and the range of topics really surprised me.
Don’t get me wrong, we did talk about usual guy things but also up for discussion were things like viewpoints on parenting, how we felt when our wives were pregnant and what it was like when we got the “honey its time” call.
My wife and I have been really blessed with the group of parents we have met since our kid started school and these guys were definite examples of that. I suggested we do bi-weekly which I am really hoping we pick up after the holidays because I had the best time I have had in a while.
My kid is in religion education classes right now. After one of her last classes, the teacher told me that she wanted to talk to me which immediately scared the crap out of me. It is bad enough when a regular teacher tells you that but a religion teacher opens up a whole new level of “what the heck did my kid say”.
Turns out, they were asking the kids what their favorite summer activity was and mine said geocaching. They just wanted to know what it was. (phwew!) I'm surprised it wasn't father and daughter activities like fishing or skating.
see my links at the bottom for some of our adventures.
Geocahing (pronounced geo cashing) is basically a treasure hunt for nerds using a GPS and a website full of coordinates. People all over the world hide small containers stuffed with a log file and little toys or coins. Then they post the GPS coordinates on this website geocaching.
People like us go there and look for caches (cashes) near us. Put the coordinates in and start hiking.
The general rules are:
• Sign the log book
• Take a small toy and leave a small toy
• Sign up online that you found it
• Don’t let “muggles” (non geocachers) see you when you find it.
So it’s free fun, they get a toy, they get to be sneaky and they know a secret that not many others know. My kid LOVES knowing that we have one we can see from the house and people are walking past it all day without knowing. Once you get good at finding them, hide one. You and your kid can read all the log entries from people who found what they hid. And for even another level of fun, you can order “travel bugs”.
Those are dogtags you attach to a toy. When someone finds a tag, they enter it’s code online and move it to another cache. In this way, your kid’s toy can go all over the world and they can watch it online. We had one that went to Hawaii and back twice and both coasts of the US. It was a lovely way to teach geography too.
Here is a link to one of my travel bugs and a photo gallery of where all he has been in his 8,000+ miles of travel. Then there is the cache cow that we hid. 124 finds and this is the oldest cache in grason county.
Mama isn’t horribly keen on this since last time she went she got covered in poison ivy but apart from that, we have all had so many good times, I thought I would share.
It seems like parenting is a constant readjustment of the steering to keep you going in the right direction doesn’t it?
You spend the first year trying to get them to talk and then the rest trying to teach them how\when to be quiet. You ask for only the truth but cringe when they tell your in-laws that sometimes daddy lets the phone go to voicemail when they call.
Have you ever heard the song ‘the impression that I get’ by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones?
Some of the lyrics are: Never had to
Knock on wood
But I know someone who has
It makes me wonder if I could
...
I’m not a coward I’ve just never been tested.
I like to think that if I was I would pass.
Look at the tested and think ‘there but for the grace go I’
Might be a coward
I’m afraid of what I might find out
During all my medical problems (more on that some other day) I kept having the same dream all the time. In advance, I know how silly this dream is. Look for the meaning.
There is a light in the distance and I call my family out to see it. It gets bigger and starts shifting. The entire time we stare, I keep remarking how beautiful it is. A small amount of time passes and I begin to get filled with worry but still don’t move. By the time I realize that the lights are all spaceships coming to wipe us out, it is too late to do anything for my family.
It is odd the things that worry guys. I know that my dream was about my leading my family into disaster which was what I equated my medical stuff to but big-picture wise, it is about the fear a lot of family guys have – Will I be able to protect my family if the need arises?
We go through a lot of effort to keep from looking foolish and even more to keep from looking weak but the truth is strength just does not equal success.
More lyrics: Have you ever felt a pain so powerful
So heavy you collapse?
I can actually answer yes to that. I used to feel so ashamed that I let the pain beat me down so far but now I wear my survival like a badge of honor.
My medical problems and the associated changes on my life pushed me to the edge of breaking (and a bit beyond if I’m honest) but I am slowly beginning to understand that just for making it through that situation, I can consider myself strong. The fact that I made it through with out loosing my marriage, house or job means that I beat the pain.
I wonder how many more things in my life that get me down just require a different way of looking at things . . .
So I watch a bunch of judge shows and have noticed a trend. Especially since I see this same problem with ‘kids these days’, I have put it on my list of things I want to teach my kid.
It seems to me that people have coupled fault with intensions. People who are listed as ‘at fault’ for an accident respond with ‘but I didn’t mean to hit them. It was an accident’. Hopefully I can explain to my child that an accident usually has one or more people at fault but that doesn’t cast any light on the character of those involved or imply that the act was done maliciously.
With some kids on the playground the situation seems similar. One kid gets hit by someone trying to do a flip and the flipper looks for any reason at all not to apologize. He shouldn’t have been standing there – I didn’t do it on purpose – he hit me last week. .
I think we are all still so cautious of "getting in trouble" whether by the principal or monitarily for us adults.
My kid HATES to make mistakes and one thing we are working on is that mistakes stink but you might as well expect them, accept them and move on. I think the ‘fault’ dilemma relates to this.
One of my favorite movies is Elizabethtown. After a HUGE mistake in that movie, there is a line I love: "You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Discard it. And proceed."
Well, my daughter's fever is down to reasonable levels. Motrin is a WONDER drug for kids. This morning, the doc said she thinks it is just a virus since she tested negative for strep, flu a and all the other baddies.
I have a long day planned of coloring, movies, soup and playing barbies. Is it wrong that lately this sounds like my ideal way of spending a day off?
Well here we go.. Can open, worms everywhere.. A subject close to my heart made more heart-breaking this morning (it is 5am now) when my kid spiked a 102.4 temp.
My wife works outside the home as a nurse taking care of extremely sick babies in a neonatal ICU. This is a job we both feel she was born to do and a very important one at that. Somehow though that doesn’t make things any easier when her kid is sick.
We share parenting 100% and have even worked our schedules to allow my daughter to be with one of us at all times. Usually when the kid gets sick, she will pick one of us to cling to and today that happens to be mama. The only problem is that the nifty schedule I mentioned requires that my wife works weekends which today is.
It really rips at my wife’s heart to feel torn between working one of her 2.5 days per week and being with her child. So far, mama is up and getting ready for work but I figure if my daughter asks to be held one more time that my wife will be at home today.
I know there are die hard feminists out there who say that a woman really can have it all and there are die hard homemakers who will use this as an example of why working mothers are evil. But as with everything, the true answer lies somewhere between the two extremes. Steph had a stay at home mom and I had a working one and we are both equally scarred :-P.
I know how hard it is for my wife to make the decision she will face in a bit but I am hoping it helps to know that if she does choose to go to work, our daughter will be perfectly fine 2 seconds after she leaves. There isn’t anything dad can’t handle or at least, dad is smart enough to know when he reaches that point :-).
I guess that is how all of us guys are as husbands. I think one of the best things we try to provide for our wives is stability and support. My wife is free to make whichever decision she wants and I feel like I have done a good job if she can trust that our kid will be taken care of either way.
I have decided that sometimes we look a little too far ahead when we parent. It seems that a lot of people start at what they want the adult to look like and begin building their kid into that design. That approach is probably not wrong but I like to come at it from another angle.
They say babies learn the sounds for their parent’s language starting in the womb. From that foundation, they spend the rest of their lives building a vocabulary on top of that. I think learning behaviors is much the same.
Here is an example of what I call long-term parenting. A kid is about to walk out into the street with cars coming. You can either grab him and tell him “No! you were almost hit by a car” or tell him the same thing and add “that driver couldn’t see you and wouldn’t be expecting someone to cross the road without being at a crosswalk.”
With the first response, the kid learns that walking in front of moving cars is bad” (still a good lesson).. With the second, he learns the same thing but also to anticipate where danger MIGHT happened based on what the people around him are doing and thinking. Also that crossing a road anywhere but at a crosswalk is a bad idea.
Being cautious of your surroundings and the ability to place yourself in other’s minds will be invaluable in the future and all it took was a little explaining and changing one sentence into a couple.
Basically my approach is to teach my kid the way she should want to behave instead of trying to design her into the finished product we have in our heads. An added benifit is that I won't have to say no the next 10 times she gets into a dangerous situation because she is looking for danger instead of just cars.
The downside of my way of thinking is that I am only laying foundations for her to buildon top of (with help). What she builds will hopefully be a GREAT structure but it might not match what I thought it was going to be. When it gets down to it though, she is going to grow up to be her own person no matter how hard we try so at least this way, she will have a great foundation as her means of support.
I am learning more every day about being a father and still am working daily at my marriage but recently, I noticed a part of me that had slipped away. I was off work for the day and my wife and daughter had an appointment which lasted about 4 hours. All of the housework was done and my honey-do list only had a few items on it that I was ignoring :-).
I found myself sitting and wondering what I used to do for fun and I realized that whenever the dad and husband hats were removed, I honestly had no idea what to do. I realized I had lost track of what it meant to just be a man.
When I thought about what I do that doesn’t fall under the other two categories, I came up with a pretty depressing list: taking out the trash, mowing the lawn and reaching things on high shelves. And that last one could arguably be a husband or dad duty depending on what I’m reaching for.
When it all came down to it, I didn’t know how to make myself happy without my wife or child. While being happy with your family is extremely important, I believe that you can’t provide other people what you don’t already have. I want my daughter to grow up and be a happy person who wants to share that with a man as opposed to desperately looking for a man to make her happy.
I’ve never really been the car fixing, punching each other on the arm type of guy anyway so I knew I needed to find who I wanted to be and make a plan to get from here to there. So who do I want to be? I would look up to a man that has the following qualities:
- Has opinions and isn’t afraid to disagree with the group
- Is 100% faithful to his wife and children (no problem here)
- Loves his family dearly but can function without them too
- Has a hobby or something that he truly enjoys
- Not afraid to say “I don’t know what the heck your talking about” and learn about things
- Has friends
After talking with my wife, I have decided to make the following changes to my life. Only these two to start with and we will see how they go.
Start having a dad’s night out every other week - I know some dad’s from when my kid plays soccer and all of them were extremely excited about this idea. We even had our first one already and it was awesome (more on that on another day).
Learn guitar - My grandfather, mother and other relatives can play guitar and I have always wanted to learn. I bought guitars for dummies and have started messing around. I even bought a little pink guitar so me and my kid can practice together. It is important to me that this journey improves ME without taking away from them.
Lets see how these two changes go and what effect they have. I am sure I will have to make some adjustments but its a start.
When I was growing up, I had a lot of time alone. That gave me plenty of opportunities to develop my own ideas and opinions. I had a very strong sense of self and knew exactly who I was. Every decision had only one level of approval: What do I think the right decision is?
At 19 years old, I married my new best friend after only knowing her under 3 years. That brought about quite a change because after that, I wasn’t able to choose a stance quickly. I had to consider my wife’s feelings and opinions as well before deciding where “we” would stand. At this point, every decision now had three levels: What’s best for us, for my wife and then me.
At 26, we had our daughter. This step added the most levels to my decision making process. Every decision my wife and I make first runs through the ‘how will this affect our child’ checklist (as it should).Every decision after this point had the following approval levels: What’s best for my child, my family, my marriage, my wife and then, if possible, me.
Now I am 33 and have realized something new about those levels. Though my wife would tell you that her level is more important than mine :-), I am finally understanding that they interact with each other and can not always be kept in this order. If I am a terrible husband, it will make it hard for me to be a good father (while staying with my wife) for example. It is because of that that I realize that my role as a man, a dad and a husband must be balanced.
This is a fairly new revelation to me so now I all have to do is figure out where to go from here . . .
Life is always complicated. That idea is most true once you begin to live for others instead of just looking out for yourself.
My name is Bobby and I am the proud husband of a wonderful woman who I have been married to for 13 years. In addition to that, I have a 7 year old daughter who is by far the center of my universe. Just like everyone else, I am trying to figure out what the heck I am doing and trying to keep from screwing up in the mean time. More often than not though, those screw ups do happen and when they do I learn a lot. Or at least I collect a bunch of wonderful stories.
This blog will contain the script of my adventures in trying to be a good dad, a good husband and also learn what it means to be a man. I look forward to sharing my journey with you and if nothing else, at least becoming the cautionary tale for othe men who are struggling to find who they are.
By day, I am a computer nerd for a large company doing SAN storage work (and whatever else they throw at me). By night, I am a dad to a wonderful 8 year old and a husband for 14 years to a wonderful woman. As an insomniac, I surf or watch movies at night so if I begin making no sense or a post has nothing but repeated keystrokes, assume I fell asleep on the keyboard. :-)
